My 500 Things

Project ???

2012-01-27T21:57:00.003-07:00

Search Project 365 and you'll find hundreds of results: people, photographs, blogs, etc. These people take a photograph each day for a year, posting the results as they go along. When I see these sites, I think, "I should do a Project 365." But then that seems like a huge commitment, and I'm not sure I want to start something like that, knowing that I probably won't make it.

Other people do Project 30, taking a photograph a day for a month. Can I make it through a month? I don't know. I guess I could do a Project 7.

So I've decided to do a Project ???. I'm going to take a photograph every day, until I stop taking photographs. For now, here's Photograph for Day 1, of 1.

In my parent's house, there's a glass jar full of red hots. When I visit, I take 2 or 3, pop them in my mouth, and savor the cinnamon flavor. When the jar gets empty, I refill it. Taking only a couple at a time, it takes months to empty it. I filled it today.

mmmmmmm red mmmmmmm cinnimony mmmmmmmmmmmm

8 Life Lessons I Have Learned from Photography

2012-01-15T19:37:00.004-07:00

(Thanks Dave Powell for the idea)

View life from a high vantage point. When we can see the big picture of life the small, momentary problems become much less important.
Keep your eyes open everywhere you go. You never know what amazing event you stumble on.
Pay attention to details. Although it’s good to understand and appreciate the big picture, the beauty of life is in the details. Practice by giving flowers.
Look around. You may have heard the saying, “Take time to stop and smell the roses.” Too often we are in such a rush to get someplace, we miss all the wonderful things along the way. Stop, take a moment to look around, and think about Rule #3.
Get up early. Sometimes the best times of life aren’t the most convenient. But a willingness to go the extra mile for your passions can memorable results.
Experiment and try new things. Life was never meant to be boring, and if you’re bored, go challenge yourself. Try something you’ve never tried before.
Always be ready. Opportunities are everywhere for the person who keeps their eyes open and their heart willing.
Be patient. So many people are in a hurry, wanting things - everything - right now. It’s okay to wait.

Water is My Friend

2011-12-07T10:12:00.001-07:00

Yes, I have a long way to go.
Yes, I have a long time to get there.
(Why do those two lines remind me of a song?)
But, I'm making progress.

This morning, I was able to swim one full lap, face down, doing the crawl stroke. Now I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I'm pretty sure I didn't look like the guy next to me (which is a good thing). As I've been swimming, and learning TI Swimming technique, I've begun noticing other swimmers. The guy in the lane next to me this morning is a better swimmer than me (for now). But I think my technique is improving. He looked awkward. On each right hand stroke, he would lift his head up, then turn to the side, then put his head back down.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not making fun of him, or his technique. Unlike me, he is able to swim across the pool, using a crawl stroke, multiple times. By noticing these other swimmers, I'm trying to use their technique to improve my own. Obviously I can't see myself, but I think I'm improving. I'm getting better at turning my head (without lifting it), and this morning I was even able to start breathing on both sides, every third stroke (awkward as it currently is).

This was an encouraging morning, enough so that I think by February I might be able to swim at least part of the half-mile swim (in the triathlon) using the crawl stroke. I've also been practicing my patented move: the roll over from front crawl to back stroke (no official name for it yet). When I get water in my nose, or feel like I'm not getting enough breath, I just roll over and keep swimming, using the back stroke. When I feel comfortable, I take a deep breath and roll back into the crawl stroke.

I'm also practicing holding my breath, while I'm swimming. I swam nearly half the length of the pool while holding my breath. And, I felt pretty relaxed while doing it.

On another fitness front, I'm getting used to my new diet. Soon it will just be a way of life, instead of diet.

Eating Healthy

2011-12-03T11:04:00.001-07:00

This last week I had four medical appointments in three days. Tuesday, I met with Dr. Wear, a chiropractor who utilizes non-traditional healing techniques. He used some interesting techniques, testing my strength, identifying food sensitivities, and used lasers to realign my energy. After he was done, I felt taller. I have no idea why, but there was definitely a change.

Wednesday I met with Dr. Roberts, my primary physician, to talk about alternative blood thinners, and diet. Then Thursday I went in for an infusion of Rituxan, a treatment for my rheumatoid arthritis. This infusion was supposed to be last week, but after the nurse, Anne, got the IV started, before she started any of the meds, I nearly blacked out. She was asking some questions and I could feel the blood drain from my face.
"I don't feel so good."
"You don't look good. Your color matches the [white] wall behind you. Maybe you should lay back."
My blood pressure dropped to 55/60. It took a while, and never did come up to normal, but eventually it came up enough that my color came back, I was able to stand up, and they let me drive home. No infusion that day. Anne called my doctor who said that wasn't happening. Apparently they have a small window of acceptable blood pressure. Obviously, I wasn't in that accepted range.

I've never had a problem with needles. I go in often for regular blood work. I give myself injections. Needles don't bother me at all. So what happened? I don't know and neither do the doctors.

I went back in this week, hoping it wouldn't happen again. I'll tell you now, I didn't black out, my blood pressure stayed fine, but not everything went well.

First, my hands and forearms were too cold, which meant my veins were really small. Anne couldn't find anything to even try. She gave me a heating pad and I kept it wrapped around my left arm for 10 minutes or so. Once my veins were warmed up, and a bit bigger, Anne tried to start the IV again, but the first vein didn't work, so she had to try again. The second attempt worked just fine, and as she was taping it down, she jerked her left hand. It looked to me like she waved at something with her right hand, like something flew in her face, but I didn't see what happened. When she did, her left hand yanked out the IV. Vein #2 blown.

Now we had to restart the process, going back to the hot pad, using it on my right arm. Attempt #3 was successful and we were able to start the 5 hour infusion process, about an hour later than originally planned.

I'm guessing the "side effects" I've experienced are related to the infusion. Keep in mind, my body is used to napping nearly every day. Thursday I was up around 6am, went to the infusion center around 8, and was up all day. In fact, I was wide awake until 4am Friday morning, finally falling asleep about the time I should be headed to the gym (which I didn't do). I slept for maybe 4 hours, then was up for all Friday, not falling asleep until 1:30am Saturday morning. Crazy!

I drove directly from the infusion center, back to the chiropractor's office to meet with his wife, Pam. She has a doctorate in something (I didn't read her diploma), and she's a nutritionist. She spent almost an hour with me talking about food, diet, and eating habits. The result is, we're completely changing what I eat.

I have to eat way more protein. I haven't been eating very much protein, probably only 30-40 grams on a good day, more often 15 grams. According to Pam, I need to be eating 90 grams of protein per day to feed my lean body mass. (Despite my appearance and the excess of fat on my body, I do have LEAN body mass.)
I need to be eating more fat, good fat. So I'll be cooking with real butter instead of margarine, olive oil instead of canola oil.
I need a lot more veggies, but the right kind of veggies. I need to stay away from the sweet veggies - peas, carrots, corn - at least for a short time.
I need to drastically reduce my carb intake. I would guess 85% of my diet has been carbs, which just feeds my fat.
I'm supposed to start eating 5 or 6 times a day, to keep my blood sugar levels more stable. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, mid-morning snack, mid-afternoon snack, and something before I go to bed.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Buying healthy food is expensive, and all the packages seem to be a lot smaller than the big bags of cheetos.

Hopefully these changes will spur some weight loss. Hopefully the alternative treatments will work. If they do, maybe I'll be able to stop using some of the many prescriptions I'm on. I'd love to be drug free, controlling my RA with diet and exercise. Maybe someday.

Total Immersion Swimming Progress

2011-11-28T11:39:00.001-07:00

It seems so simple:

put my face in the water
exhale
turn to the right, mouth above the waterline
inhale
repeat

I find it frustrating that I can't just do it. Why oh why didn't I learn how to swim properly when I was 6?

Even so, I'm making progress, be it every so slowly.

I'm becoming much more comfortable in the water. While doing the backstroke, which is the stroke I use to swim laps (at least until I can become a real swimmer), I'm more comfortable with how my body moves in the water. I'm getting used to rotating my body as I pull with my arms, and letting my legs and feet streamline is becoming very natural, almost happening without thinking about it. Part of Total Immersion Swimming is resting the legs more than using them, the two-beat kick as it's called. I'm getting better at allowing my feet to remain still, using them mostly for balance, and not for propulsion.

When my body is rotated with the right side down (toward the bottom of the pool), I pull with my right arm and kick once with my right foot. I rotate left, and do the same with the left side. My body awareness is increasing too. I can tell when my feet get too high in the water and when my kick is above the water line, creating bubbles instead of balance.

I've been practicing my TI crawl stroke, while using the snorkel. I concentrate on streamlining my body:

reach with the right hand
relax the hand
head in line with my spine, and relaxed
legs relaxed and streamlined

Using Terry Laughlin's advice, I'm trying to be "lazy" about getting my forward hand into position. I'm sure the people on the second floor who might be watching, think I'm moving in slow motion. But the key things is, I'm developing techniques that will help me later on.

I've seen several videos demonstrating technique practice, so I've been trying to practice those too.

the superman float: both hands out front, head relaxed and in position, leisurely, consistent kick.
both hands by my sides, rotating my body left side down, then right side down, learning to maintain my balance in the water.
one side streamlining: kicking for propulsion, leaving one hand out front, body rotated properly, moving my head in and out of the water.

I'm also trying to develop a proper breathing rhythm, which is the bane of my swimming experience. I'm getting better, but I want to be able to do it now. I've discovered that when I'm snorkeling, very little, if any, water gets in my nose. But when the snorkel is out, I can't keep the water out of my nose. So today I started practicing a short exhale out my nose, then finishing through my mouth, before rotating my head up for a breath. I can do it great in the spa, pretty good in the kiddie pool (which is only 3 feet deep) and a total fail in the lap pool. One step at a time, right?

I don't know if I'll be able to swim the crawl for the February triathlon, but at least I have a chance. I keep hoping that one day something will just click, my body will understand what's supposed to be happening, and I'll start swimming, like a real swimmer.

Poco a Poco

2011-11-14T11:35:00.001-07:00

Today I swam for 75 minutes, without a break. In order to complete an Ironman, I'll have to be able to swim for more than 2 hours without a stop (2:20 is the time cutoff for the swim leg). I was thinking that I am really far off being able to do that, even being 5 years away. But my first 1/2 mile was 40 minutes. I just need to get that distance down to 30 minutes, which feels doable (at least it did in the pool this morning).

Today I also made my first meal from my new gluten-free cookbook: Potato-Egg Bake. It as a quiche like thing, and it was delicious. This weekend I did some GF grocery shopping, and found my new favorite crackers. Blue Diamond (the almond people), makes a product called "Almond Nut-Thins." They're gluten free and they're very tasty. The package didn't last very long. I'm going to have to work on that - limiting portions.

I also found a GF brownie mix. I doubt it's going to be as good as Ghirardelli brownies, but I could be wrong.

Networking

2011-11-12T12:28:00.001-07:00

I read an article touting the benefits of networking. Everyone does it, it seems. My dad is a master networker.

Problem is, I don't know who I should be networking with, or why.
Do I network with school counselors? I'm not going to be able to go back to school counseling.
Do I network with private practice counselors? I'm not yet healthy enough to start or join a private practice.
Do I network with photographers? I love photography, but I'm not interested in turning it into a business.

So if I were to network ... with whom would I? I don't have an answer to that question. At least not yet.

If any of you readers (I think there are at least 7 of you) have any ideas/answers, feel free to contribute.

Adult Onset Swimmer

2011-11-11T14:49:00.001-07:00

As I was laying/floating, staring up at the ceiling of the Nampa Rec Center, I had a lot of time to think, about a lot of things. In my quest to become an Ironman, I have several concerns. First, I'm not sure how my wrists are going to handle riding a real bike. On the stationary bike, I spend a lot of the time riding "no-hands." I don't have to steer, I don't have to balance the bike, I just focus on pedaling. The arthritis in my wrists has caused some severe limitations. My wrists are weak, have limited range of motion, and tire quickly. How am I going to be able to ride 112 miles, during which I have to maintain a grip on the handlebars?

True, I do have 5 years to figure out a solution. I thought maybe I could use one of those recumbent bicycles.

But I tried one at the rec center (a stationary one, obviously), and I found it less than comfortable. I'm sure I could get used to it over the next few years, I guess. It's also possible that my wrists will improve or strengthen, allowing me to hold on to the handlebars. If my core strength, specifically my abs, was stronger, there would be less pressure on my wrists.

My other concern is being able to swim, and by swim I mean the front crawl stroke. However, I'm making progress. Over the last two days, I might even call it significant progress. Spending more time in the pool has allowed me time to gain some awareness of my swimming issues (I know that sounds like counselor-speak, but ...).

I don't like the bubbles rising in my face. I have no idea why that would cause me panic - albeit small panic - but it does, or rather, has. I've been practicing exhaling underwater, becoming more comfortable. After swimming laps, I spend time at the edge of the pool (standing), practicing my breathing. Exhale underwater, turn to the right, inhale, repeat.

This practice has revealed another issue: my breathing. I'm finding it difficult to establish a good breathing pattern. I've learned that when I exhale underwater, I tend not to exhale enough. Which means that when I turn to inhale, my lungs are mostly full. The inhale is only "topping off the tank;" it's very uncomfortable. So I'm learning to finish the exhale when I turn to the right, then inhale. It means there's a pause in my swimming stroke, but that's okay. I'm learning to match my breathing to my stroke. As part of the practice, I've added the swimming motion with my right arm. The Total Immersion Swimming system works on reaching with the forward hand while rotating the body. I'm adding that in my practice.

The next step will be to practice with both arms (probably while still standing). The next step after that, maybe swimming a few strokes to see if I can put it all together.

While practicing the Superman Float (so labeled by TISwimming), I've discovered another area of concern, and of potential growth. When floating face down, I start to panic when my head goes completely underwater. I can feel the water close over my head. Even though I have a snorkel in my mouth, and I know there's plenty of air, something in me still screams, "You can't breathe when you're underwater!!"

I'm overcoming that, learning to calm down. I've become acutely aware of my body position in the water. Inhale, I float up; exhale, I sink down. It's actually becoming a comforting movement. I'm learning that no matter how much I exhale, I'm not going to sink to the bottom of the pool.

I still have a long way to go, but I also have a long time to get there. Even as recently as last week, I didn't think I'd be able to front crawl by the triathlon in February. But now ... I think it might be possible. And if I can do that, my swim split will be amazing.

Life Change, Major Life Change

2011-11-09T16:07:00.002-07:00

Several years ago I had some tests done to reveal my food allergies. Those tests revealed that, although none of the allergies are serious (they're really just sensitivities) I'm allergic to everything I like. The only thing on the list that I've given up: milk. I love milk. I could drink a gallon a day, and often did. Now that I've been off it for quite a while, I don't miss it very often.

Those tests also revealed that I'm sensitive to gluten. Consider this Reason #1 for the life change.

Since I've set this goal of competing in an Ironman Triathlon (I've changed that goal from 6 years to 5 years, hoping I can find an event on my 50th birthday. Wouldn't that be a great birthday present to myself?), I need to accomplish a number of things in order to meet that goal.

I need to become a better swimmer. I'm working on this two ways.

I swim nearly every day. Today I was able to swim 30 minutes without any break. I didn't keep track of how far I went, just the time. At the end of the 30 minutes I was doing well. My heart rate was at a good pace, my breathing was relaxed, my muscles also relaxed. I could have gone longer, but didn't think it wise to try to push too hard until I know what I can actually do.
I'm learning the Total Immersion Swimming technique, slowly, with baby steps. For now, I'm trying to swim as relaxed as possible. Swimming doesn't require use of all muscles and using unnecessary muscles just wastes energy.

I need to increase my cardio fitness, which is being accomplished through stationary biking and utilizing my heart rate monitor.
I need to lose weight, 50-60 pounds.

In my research about triathlons and rheumatoid arthritis, I've come across multiple articles touting the benefits of a gluten-free diet for people with RA. I've avoided a gluten-free diet because ... well, just because. I don't want to give up bread and doughnuts and pasta and the other 14,487,963 things in which gluten is an ingredient. But it's time. Medication is not adequately treating my arthritis. I need to try some natural remedies, like diet change. Consider this Reason #2 for the life change.

When I started working out August 1, 2011, I weighed 245. I quickly dropped to 237, which was encouraging. I weighed this morning and I've gained weight: 249. What?!? And no, it's not an extra 12 pounds of muscle because I've been working out. I need to lose weight, for my health, for my arthritis, and for my state of mine. Consider this Reason #3 for the life change.

For these 3 reasons, I am starting a gluten-free diet. Today I bought a gluten-free recipe book. Looking through it I had the thought, "I've made these foods." There are recipes like "Meatloaf" which are gluten-free. It's not like I'm going to lose all the foods I like. I'm just going to have to be more aware of what I eat. I know the pounds aren't just going to drop off, or melt like butter. But if I keep working out regularly, and eat healthy foods, the weight loss will come. The increased fitness will come. And the goal of becoming an Ironman will happen.

My Favorite Place in the Whole World

2011-10-28T16:54:00.001-06:00

Wendell, Idaho
More specifically, the elementary school, the middle school, and the high school.

Yesterday I visited Wendell. It's been almost exactly one year since I resigned as the elementary and middle school counselor there. I've missed the people of Wendell every day since then.

I started out at the middle school, standing in my circle. Yes, I can call it "my circle" because it says "Mr. M's Circle of Character" right on the floor; it's permanent-ish. Seeing the reaction of people walking, watching their faces when they first spotted me - it was a huge ego builder. So many of them said they were happy to see me, but truth is, I was much happier to see them. I got more hugs yesterday than I've gotten in the previous year. Don't get me wrong: I love hugging my family. But no matter how much I love them, I'm not going to give/get 500 hugs a day from my family.

One of the reasons I left Wendell was that my repressed immune system couldn't handle the constant onslaught of germs. Of course I could have avoided much of the problem by never hugging any of the students, or holding their hands, or comforting crying kids. But that simply was not an option for me. I love those kids.

In two months I was in school last year (September and October 2010), I used all my sick days. In the year since I've been gone, I haven't been sick once. Of course there's the no voice thing and the arthritis, but I haven't had a single cold or the flu. That seems like a pretty good indication that leaving has been good for my health.

Just Keep Swimming

2011-10-25T10:04:00.001-06:00

I made it back to the Rec Center this morning, with a plan to add some time to my workout. Since there wasn't a group cycling class this morning, I rode one of the stationary bikes overlooking the pool area. My plan was to ride 2 hours, but apparently the bike only lets riders go for 99:59. After it stopped, I lost the momentum and decided that was long enough. During that time I covered about 24 miles of virtual road - not too bad.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I work on my lower body in the weight room. It's not a huge workout: leg press, leg extension, leg curl. After the weights, I hit the pool. Most days I keep track of how many laps I swim. Today I decided to just swim. I was in the pool for an hour. During that time I also worked on snorkeling. I'm getting more comfortable having my face in the water. With 6 years to train for an Ironman Triathlon, I think I have enough time to become a competent swimmer

Ironman, Leg 2

2011-10-24T17:02:00.002-06:00

When I'm floating in the pool, doing my version of a backstroke (which hardly creates a ripple), I have a lot of time to think. Only twice have I gotten so distracted that I ran into the wall because I wasn't watching where I was. I only hoped nobody noticed.

Today, during my ceiling-staring time, I made a decision, and a goal: I'm going to finish an Ironman Triathlon. Obviously I'm a long way from being able to complete a course that long, but it seems that long-term goals have become more prevalent in my life.

My heath goals all seem to be really long term.

Weight loss - long term. My goal is to lose 50 pounds. I'd love to lose it all in the next week, but it seems like a year is more reasonable. Losing one pound per week is probably a healthy way to lose weight. And by losing it that slowly, I'll know that I'm creating long-term habits of healthier eating and more exercise.
Getting my arthritis under control - long term. The rheumatologist has some ideas, but nobody really knows what will be the most effective treatment.
Getting my voice back - long term. I'm on antibiotics - another round - which always brings my voice back. But as soon as I go off them, the voice leaves again. Remember I said I have a lot of thinking time in the pool? Well I came to another decision this morning. When I call my ENT in SLC, regardless of the outcome of this latest round of antibiotics, regardless of what my voice is doing at that time, I'm done trying to solve it. I've lived without a voice for nearly 2 years. I'm tired of trying this and trying that, having this test and that test, and 127 other tests. Either my voice will come back, or it won't. Either way, I'm just going to live with what I have. Now it's entirely possible I'll change my mind, but if I'm deciding today: no more experimenting.
Employment - long term. I wish I knew now what I'm supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be going, but I don't. God hasn't given me a flash of inspiration, so for the time being I'm just living day-to-day, which is the opposite of long-term living. My direction may be long-term, but my life is being lived short-term.

Back to the Ironman Triathlon ...

It's a lot longer than the mini triathlon I finished this month. Plus, I'll have to improve a lot just to be able to compete and make the time cut-offs.

2.4 mile swim ... 2 hour 20 minute limit
112 mile bike ... 8 hour 10 minute limit (10:30 after the official start)
26.2 mile run ... 6 hour 30 minute limit (17 hours after the official start, midnight)

I think I could do all those distances today, but slowly.

The 2.4 mile swim would take me about 5 hours. I've been swimming 1/2 mile in the mornings, which takes me about an hour. It's not non-stop; I do take breaks.
The 112 mile bike ride would take me 9 to 10 hours.
The marathon would take about 9 hours. I can walk 3 mph, and I can do that a long time.

Total time for me would be: 24 hours, 7 hours over the time limit. Plus, there's no nap time scheduled in that day.

So I have a lot of work to do. The thing is though, I think I can do it. I'm sure I'll be one of the last finishers, but I'm hopeful. I feel like a goal this big helps tie my long term goals together with my short term living. I can't complete this in a year, so my time frame is to finish an Ironman in 2017. To accomplish that, I need to keep going to the gym one day at a time. All I can do is workout today, eat healthy today, get plenty of rest today, focus on my health today. Add up enough days and I'll be ready. Between now and then I'll need to find some other, shorter triathlons to participate in. The first one will be in February 2012. It'll be interesting to see the improvement (I'm taking for granted there will be improvement) between now and then.

The Next Step

2011-10-11T19:10:00.001-06:00

I can't say I'm hooked, but after competing in my first triathlon, I definitely want to do another. Although I'm not sure I'd call what I did "competing." Participating is probably more accurate, especially since I finished 3rd to last. Not that I'm discounting my performance. For the shape I'm in, and this being my first event, I was just happy to finish.

The Rec Center is hosting a longer event in February: 1/2 mile swim, 10 mile bike, 4 mile run. So now I'm training for that event. Today I walked to the Rec Center (a little over a mile), biked 10 miles, lifted weights, swam 1/2 mile (first time I've done that), then walked home. I did the swim in about 40 minutes, the bike in about 40 minutes, and I'm guessing I can do the 4 mile walk in about 90 minutes.

On the water front, I'm trying to become a better swimmer. I don't know why, but it freaks me out to put my face in the water. I wouldn't call it panic, but it's definitely an issue. So I'm taking baby steps (or baby splashes). I bought a snorkel, and today was able to keep my face in the water for about a minute, long enough for my breathing to go from near-hyperventilating to merely panting. My goal? I'm not sure. I just want to get over this irrational fear and be able to swim like a real person.

I'm not sure how much faster I'll be able to do any of these events. My RA limits how quickly I can move. But, by February I should be 30 pounds lighter, and my cardiovascular fitness should be significantly better by then.

♫ The Long and Winding Road ♪

2011-10-05T11:04:00.000-06:00

Monday I had an appointment with my ENT doctor in Salt Lake City. Not much new - he gave me a stronger prescription for acid reflux, and another round of antibiotics. I'll call him in six weeks with any progress, and we'll discuss what to do from then.

Normally I take I-84 - it's about a 6 hour trip. On the way down I stopped for lunch with the Nebeker family and had such a good time. This trip, instead of coming back the same way, I decided to go through Nevada. After my appointment I headed west on I-80 with a plan to spend the night in Elko and finish the trip home on Tuesday. I came this way so I could stop at the Bonneville Salt Flats, a place I've never visited before. Before I got there, I passed by The Tree of Utah.

My next stop was the Bonneville Salt Flats.

Had I come through 2 days later, it would have been much more exciting. The World Finals are being held there this week. I talked with one of the owner/drivers about his car. He's made some modifications from last year (bigger engine) and he's hoping to hit 220mph this week ... so so fast.

After some good picture taking time, it was time to hit the road again. If you haven't been on I-80 west of SLC, let me tell you the scenery is beautiful, the radio station choices are minimal. I hate listening to static or country music, so I turned off the radio, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Being alone with my thoughts is a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand I get a lot done when I have time to think. On the other hand, I tend to get lost in my thoughts, and sometimes don't pay attention to things which I should be paying attention.

Don't misunderstand, I pay attention to the important things: I stay in my lane, I follow the speed limit, and I'm still a safe driver. After leaving Wendover, I was thinking about changing my original plan of staying in Elko then driving home. I was considering staying in Wells, then heading north so I could go back through Wendell and visit the schools.

For whatever reason, when I got to Wells I decided to keep driving. I'm not sure when I decided for sure to come all the way home, but it was somewhere in Nevada. One night away was enough for me. Remember that I tend to get lost in my thoughts when the radio is off. I should have turned north in Elko on Highway 225. Lost in my thoughts, I drove straight through, staying on I-80. I didn't realize my mistake until I was in Winnemucca. Had I headed north from Elko, it would have taken me about 4 hours to get home. From Winnemucca, it's about 4 hours to Nampa. The two hours between Elko and Winnemucca was just wasted time.

So I filled up in Winnemucca: fuel, pop (which I haven't had in a very long time), and candy (which I've been staying away from so I can lose weight). I figured with all that sugar and caffeine I'd be able to stay awake. I finally pulled into my driveway about 12:30, so tired.

Maybe someday I'll make that trip from Winnemucca to Nampa in the daylight so I can see where I was driving.

Ironman!!

2011-10-01T17:34:00.000-06:00

By any standards, I'm out of shape, partly because of the RA, mostly because I've been a lazy couch potato. But I'm making changes. I've been working out at the Nampa Rec Center on a regular basis, including:

Spinning Classes (although they're not actually Spinning, which is a trademark name, but just group cycling),
lifting weights (upper body Monday, Wednesday and Friday; lower body Tuesday, Thursday, and sometimes Saturday), and
Swimming

Today, I competed in my first Triathlon. It was not Ironman length - they called it a Beginner's Triathlon. I swam the 1/8 mile in 7:38, which was impressive to me. In my training, the 1/8 mile swim has always taken about 10 minutes. I have no idea how I was able to take off that much time. Next was a 4 mile stationary bike ride, which I completed in 16:21, about what I expected. Last came the 1.5 mile run, which I walked. I did jog part of it, but my jog is slower than the fast walk of many/most people.

My goal was to complete the event in under an hour. My final time: 54:04. It felt really good ... tired, but good.

During my training I met Janie, who is using the same Rec Center trainer I am. This was also her first triathlon. We had so much fun talking about our training, the progress we were making, how nervous we were, and our goals. The day of the event I got to meet her husband, son and niece, who had come to support her. Great family.

Janie is a faster swimmer than me, by about 1:00. She did the bike portion two minutes faster, so she had a lead on me when I started the run. I expected her to catch up to me. I must have been walking fast, because on the last lap, I could see her in front of me. My mind said, "Go! You can catch up if you just run." My body said, "Whatever. Just keep walking." I didn't catch up, but I finished less than a minute behind her.

I heard that the Rec Center hosts another, longer triathlon in February. I'm going to compete in that one. The only way I'll be able to improve the bike and run legs is to improve my fitness. By February I should be 30 pounds lighter, which will definitely help. And if I keep working out, I'll be stronger and have better cardio capacity. I think I can make real improvement in the swim.

I talked with a guy today (the Rec Center photographer, and a triathlon veteran) who mentioned a swim system called Total Immersion. They have a website and a youtube channel. I'm what they refer to as an "adult onset swimmer." I took swimming lessons when I was little, but I hated every minute and didn't pass, especially the swim with my face in the water skill. I still struggle with that. After watching some of the videos, I have hope that I can learn to swim, the right way.

So keep watching - I will make progress.

Four Random Stories

2011-09-29T19:34:00.000-06:00

#1 About a month ago I was at Roaring Springs with my friends the Gallagher family. While floating around the lazy river (Officially named the Endless River), I scraped my knee on the side. It was a small wound, but since I'm on blood thinners, it took a long time to heal. This week, it was finally looking mostly healed: nice pink skin, no scab left.

Getting out of the truck, I bumped my knee on something, breaking the skin. Guess where. Yes, in the exact same spot.

*****
The last two days I've walked to the Rec Center for my morning workout. On the way back, both days, I was nearly close to almost maybe being run over by large trucks.

#2 Yesterday, as I reached the exit driveway of McDonalds, I noticed a truck getting ready to exit. So I stopped before walking in to the driveway. The driver of the truck looked left - in my direction - looked right, looked left again, then started to pull into traffic. Taking one last look to the left, he saw me, finally. He slammed on the brakes with a startled look on his face. I'm guessing he thought I appeared out of nowhere. He apologized, I let him go, then walked behind him.

#3 This morning, as I reached the exit driveway of McDonalds, there was another truck, but it was farther back. So I started walking across the driveway while keeping an eye on the truck. The driver, who was talking on his cell phone and digging into his breakfast, looked left - in my direction - looked right, looked left again, never slowing down. Keep in mind I was standing right in front of him. When he finally noticed me, the truck was about two feet from my leg. After stopping, he looked at me like I was in the wrong. How dare I walk on the sidewalk right in front of him! He didn't apologize. I guess his phone conversation was too important to interrupt for the sake of politeness.

#4 This evening as I was walking out of a sporting goods store, a young man (probably 13 or 14) was riding his brand new bike out of the store, with his mother following him. He was so excited and mom looked so proud. Twenty feet into the parking lot, I looked away, heading toward my truck. Hearing a crash-like sound, I turned around to see that junior had wrecked in the parking lot. The brand-newness of his bike lasted a whole 30 seconds! I have no idea how he did it, but it took all my willpower to not laugh out loud. Instead of testing my resolve further, I got into my truck and drove away. I didn't stick around to see the aftermath of bicycle-teenager-pavement interaction.

Health Update #47

2011-09-27T16:34:00.001-06:00

(Yes, I realize the last update was #43, so I skipped 44, 45 and 46. I like prime numbers.)

The results of all the testing two weeks ago were back today, and Dr. Zuckerman delivered the news.

Bone Marrow Biopsy: Normal, even at the genetic level. Apparently there's a genetic marker for cancer, called the "FTP1L1/PDGFRa gene rearrangement." In my bone marrow there was no evidence of this, which is a good thing.
Echocardiogram: Normal
Pulmonary Function: This test showed the only abnormality. Apparently I've had asthma and never known it. When I was a teenager I had a couple of asthmatic episodes, but since then I've never been bothered. I know that if my heart rate gets above 155, I can't take a full breath. So I wear a heart rate monitor when I exercise and keep the rate below 150.
CT Scans: Normal. Actually, the test results show "Unremarkable" which might be a blow to my ego, but is good news health-wise. One of the test even reports that I'm "grossly normal." I don't know what that really means, but I'm going to take it as a compliment.

The eosinophylia (high count of a white blood cell subset) is apparently a result of the arthritis. Everything else has been ruled out. So now it's up to my rheumatologist to find something that will work.

Not a Couch Potato Anymore

2011-09-22T07:47:00.002-06:00

Although I've been blaming it on the arthritis, I've been sedentary for 3 years by choice. It's really been laziness. Certainly there are days when exercising is not going to happen. There are days when it takes all I have to do everyday activities. But those days are few. There are many more days when I feel good enough to get something done, something productive and active.

Before the arthritis, I was training for a marathon. I would run 6 miles with my dogs before work, 5 days per week. On the weekends I'd run 9 miles. I wasn't fast, but it was pretty easy. However, every time I worked up to 15 miles (on weekends), I would hurt so bad that I couldn't run for a week or two. I had no idea it was the arthritis rearing it's ugly head.

So for 3 years I gave up.

August 1 I joined the Nampa Rec Center. If you've never been, it's a great facility. I've been going to Spinning class 3 days/week, lifting weights, and I've started swimming. The swimming came about because I'm training for a mini-triathlon, a beginner's event: 1/8 mile swim (in the pool), 4.5 mile bike ride (stationary bike), and 1.5 mile run (on the track, which I'll have to walk since running isn't an option anymore).

Even without the Fitness Test I took this morning (results in a few paragraphs), I knew I was really out of shape. One way I could tell: comparing myself with other members. There's a tiny little lady who wears a shirt that says, "Filer Class of 1960." That would make her about 70. On several of the weight lifting exercises I do, she and I lift the same amount. I'm sure she hasn't noticed, but I have. It's embarrassing. I'm as strong as a 70 year old woman. yay ...

Three days per week I get up for the Spinning class that starts at 5 am. We spin for about 50 minutes. My goal for the time is aerobic exercise, trying to improve my cardio. I get my heart up to about 150 beats per minute, and keep it there the whole class. The last few classes I'm noticing that I'm having to work harder to get my heart rate up. That means I'm improving.

After Spinning, I lift weights for about 30 minutes. One of the Rec Center trainers, Joy, helped me develop a workout that fits with my physical limitations. She's knowledgeable about arthritis. In the short time I've been lifting, I've increased the weights. Today I added 3 lower body exercises that I'll do two days/week.

After the weights, I swim 1/4 mile. It takes a long time because I'm a really slow swimmer. I've also discovered something else: I'm not a good swimmer. When I was young, decades ago, I could swim underwater the length of a pool. I was good at holding my breath, and a pretty fast swimmer. Now, it freaks me out to put my face in the water. I feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe, even though my face is only 2 inches underwater and I can lift it up anytime. I'm working on it. In the meantime, I do my swim back stroke. It won't work if I ever do a triathlon in a lake, but as long as I'm swimming in a pool, I can stay straight.

Now for the Fit Test results (none of which are surprising): I'm obese, inflexible, and weak.

Oh well, I guess it's a starting point. In six months I'll be much healthier.

Health Update #43

2011-09-13T17:56:00.000-06:00

(I don't know if this is really the 43rd update - I just like the number)

Four months ago I had some blood work that showed an elevated count of eosinophyls. Eosinophyls are a subset of white blood cells. An elevated rate can be a sign of:
1. Inflammation - which would make sense because of my rheumatoid arthritis
2. Infection - which might explain my seemingly constant sinus infection
3. Allergy - which I've always had, although historically, my allergies have always/only been in the spring
4. Blood Cancer, including leukemia

Two months ago, the blood work showed the count had gone down. I met Dr. Zuckerman at Mountain States Tumor Institute (MSTI, pronounced misty for those who aren't familiar). He wasn't overly concerned at the time, since the eosinophyl rate had gone down and said we'd meet again to see if the rate went down even further.

This morning I had the follow-up blood work. The count had gone back up from 17% to 32%. Incidentally, I don't know what the normal range is; I think both of those counts are elevated.

Because the count is so high, Dr. Z suggested we do a bone marrow biopsy, which we did this morning.I've been through some painful things in my life.
1. I live with RA
2. I've had 3 kidney stones
3. 2 shoulder surgeries
4. Surgery on my hand

A bone marrow biopsy is painful. First, they numbed the skin, just a small poke with a needle, a short-lived burning sensation. Then, with another needle, they numbed under the skin and the bone. That burned a little too. Once everything was numb, Dr. Z started trying to push a needle through the bone, to get to the bone marrow. It wasn't painful, but I could feel the pressure and it felt like he was putting all his weight on it. He was really digging hard.

Three years ago my rheumatologist in Twin Falls gave me a bone density test, which showed some bone loss. I've been on calcium since then. Apparently the calcium has worked. Dr. Z said, "You have the strongest bones of anyone I've ever done this procedure on." That's good as far as the bone loss, but when the doctor is trying to push a needle through the bone - not so much.

Twice, once he was through the bone (I think), he did something that caused shooting pain. I'm not sure I've even felt anything like that. Luckily it only lasted a few seconds. I knew I was going to make it when Dr. Z said, "We're past the worst."

Tomorrow morning I go in for some more tests. Fortunately all these tests will be non-invasive. I'll get CT scans of my chest, abdomen and pelvis, a pulmonary function test (to see how my lungs are working), and an echocardiogram to see how my heart is doing. There are some conditions, including some cancers, that can show up in my heart and lungs before I feel any symptoms. On a positive note, Dr. Z told me that people who have some of the blood cancers are usually more sick than I am. Overall, I'm a healthy person (of course that's relative).

I'll get the results at the end of the month.

So Embarrassing

2011-08-08T19:39:00.003-06:00

The key to making something less embarrassing is sharing it - at least that's my opinion.

Story #1: As you may know, I have eliminated many of my belongings; I don't own very many things. Among my possessions is 2 hot pads. They're old and ratty, and mismatched, but I like them. So the other day, I lost them. For several hours I searched everywhere: I looked in all the drawers, the cupboards, the washer, the dryer, the laundry basket, the dresser (thinking maybe they got mixed with the socks and unders). They were nowhere to be found. How could I possibly lose 2 hot pads?

A while later, my nephew comes over to talk. While we're talking, I'm cleaning the kitchen. All the dishes are washed and put away, with only one thing left - the cutting board. I pick up the board and move it to the sink. Guess what was under the cutting board? Two hot pads.

Story #2: For nearly 6 years in Twin Falls, I would reach up the visor of my truck to press the automatic garage door opener button as I was backing in the driveway. For years before that, I followed the same pattern at my house in Nampa. So the habit is highly ingrained.

I've now lived in Nampa (again) since December of last year, about 8 months. I park in a car port, with no garage door and no garage door opener. Today, as I backed into the car port, I reached up to the visor to press the button; it wasn't there. Even though no one saw, I was still embarrassed.

Story #3: My friends, the Sauer's invited me over for dinner August 6th (Saturday, and Lilly's 4th birthday, by the way). Having never been to their house, I got on google maps and found the directions and copied them onto a piece of paper. To make sure I remembered to bring them, I put the directions on the counter next to the door. I knew I needed to leave about 5:15 to get there on time.

Rushing around in the afternoon, cleaning the kitchen, straightening my desk, etc., I noticed the directions. I looked at my watch and thought, "I've got to leave now if I'm going to make it on time." The printed directions helped me get right to their house, right on time. I went to the door, rang the bell, and no body answered. I waited for a bit, rang the bell again - still no answer. Looking in the front window (not in a creepy way though), it looked almost like nobody was home. So I texted Misty, "I'm here at your house. Is anybody home?" No answer to my text.

As I walked back to my car to wait for a bit, I had the thought, "I don't think today is August 6." It wasn't. I had arrived at the Sauer's 24 hours early. Have you ever sent a text and wished you could take it back? I sat in my truck thinking, "There has got to be a way to unsend that text to Misty!" Sadly, no.

I sent a second text reading: Never mind Misty. I'm a day early. The Sauer's were very kind and didn't make fun of my faux pas.

Now that I've shared my embarrassing stories, you can share the humor with me.

What to do, what to do?

2011-07-27T21:32:00.002-06:00

Thinking about what my future holds - career-wise - it seems there are always options.

I could become a Walmart Greeter. Maybe my skills as a counselor could somehow work into the greeting process. "Good morning and welcome to Walmart. By the look on your face, you seem to be having a tough morning. Is there anything I can do to help? I have a private office right over here."

For the longest time, I've had a talent for organizing things. Coupled with my recent experience of simplifying my life and eliminating clutter, I think I could provide a valuable service to other people looking to de-clutter and organize. I'm not ready to start a business, advertise and stuff like that. But maybe through word of mouth my availability to help will spread.

Private practice counseling is a possibility. I've had people in Twin Falls suggest that I would be a valuable counseling asset in the Magic Valley. I don't know how many counselors there are who are Christian, and male, but I'm guessing the number is small. I think the church I attended could offer some referrals, and maybe even a site. There seem to be some possibilities here in the Treasure Valley too. The trick is in finding the right counseling center to work in, and the right people to work with.

Provided I get a doctoral degree, I could become a counselor educator. Of course with $40,000 in student loans, pursuing another degree doesn't seem to be the prudent thing. Plus, I'm not sure I'm healthy enough to put sufficient energy into a degree.

Maybe I could mow lawns, or work at a golf course. Sitting on a mower, with the noise that drowns out the whole world - sometimes that seems like a good job. When I was a golf pro I would sometimes help the maintenance crew, mowing the rough. I could spend 8 hours just sitting on the mower, going round and round. I enjoyed it.

I could always accept a position as Presidential consultant. The past 3 presidents have asked me to work with them, advising them on the most important issues. I'm in very high demand.

The next step is going to be interesting, that's for sure.

Mark agrees about Regrets

2011-07-25T03:02:00.001-06:00

‎"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

~Mark Twain

The Blessings of Selflessness

2011-07-23T22:16:00.000-06:00

Selfishness, I think, is putting my own interests ahead of the interests of others. What's more, selfishness is allowing my interests to hurt those around me, or damage relationships in my life - current and potential.

Before rheumatoid arthritis became such a large part of my life, I was independent. I thought that if I couldn't do something myself, it wasn't worth doing. I didn't want to impose on anyone else. By asking for help, not only was I taking advantage of those around me, I was also admitting that I was incapable, weak.

There came a point when the RA made it necessary for me to ask for help. I no longer had a choice; I was incapable and weak. Admitting that to others and myself was not noble or courageous. It was accepting the facts of my new life. So I started asking for help. I asked a Wendell family to help with yardwork. They came and mowed my lawn, pulled weeds, raked leaves. They helped me fill a drop-box full of trash to clean out my back yard. For several years, they came over any time I needed help.

I felt selfish. I was imposing on their family, their time, their energy, their kindness. At least that's how I felt, what I thought.

Turns out, I was completely wrong. Each time my friends came to help me, they thanked me for the opportunity to help. They thanked me for allowing them to help. They thanked me for blessing their lives by receiving their kindness. By giving them an outlet for their kindness and love, I was blessing them. At the same time, they were blessing me.

Selfishness results in hurt all around. Selflessness brings joy and blessing to everyone involved.

There is a new person in my life, someone who refuses to accept help. Actually, it's not always a refusal, more often its a reluctance. I want to show kindness, but I'm not allowed an opportunity for that kindness. This friend believes they're being selfish my accepting my kindness. I want to show them that refusing my kindness is more selfish than asking for it.

A selfish person demands, "You have two apples. Give me one, now." That demand ignores my feelings, takes away my options.
A selfless person asks, "You have two apples. May I have one?" That request respects my feelings, gives me options. That request honors my desire to help.

A selfish person refuses to ask for help when it's needed.
A selfless person asks for help, giving other people the opportunity to help.
A selfless person creates blessings in the life of the giver and receiver.

If you are my friend, I may ask you for help. Maybe you can help, maybe you can't. Either way, I want to strengthen my relationship with you by asking.
If you are my friend, you can ask me for help. I might be able to help, I might not be able to help. Either way, you bless my life through your request.
If you are my friend, I may give you a gift: time, attention, energy, even something material. Whatever I give, I give freely, to my friend. Honor my gift by receiving it. Allow us both to be blessed through the giving.

Regrets?

2011-07-17T20:35:00.002-06:00

I've always been bothered by the question, "Do you have any regrets?" It's a difficult question to ask, more difficult to answer. Every choice I've ever made has influenced who I am today. If I had it to do over, if I could re-choose some things, I might decide not to eat that whole pizza (I got sick), or I might have chosen to be nicer to my sister that one time. But overall, I like who I am and I like my life. I'm here today because of the decisions I've made.

But looking back, I do have a few regrets.

I regret not learning Spanish when I was young. in junior high I took Spanish from Ms. Questad. Who knows why I enrolled - I didn't last very long. I remember learning the word "motocicleta." Other than that, I don't remember learning much. It's not Ms. Questad's fault though. I was a horrible student, mean to her, disruptive, disrespectful and unwilling to try. Looking back now, I wish I could go back to that junior high kid and let him know how important Spanish will be in his future. I would tell him that he'll end up working in a small town in Idaho, meeting some great Latino families. I'd tell him that knowing Spanish will give him a way to connect with some amazing kids. I'm trying to learn Spanish now, but esta muy dificil para mi.

I regret not being part of a young married couple. I recently went to my cousin's wedding, my young cousin's wedding. He and his new bride are still kids. They're going to grow up together, become adults together. They're going to struggle, wonder how they're going to make it, decide when to have kids, go on fun vacations together. I'll never get to experience that and I wish I could have.

I regret not having kids, my own kids. I love my Wendell kids - love them like they're my own. I love my niece and nephew, who lived with me for several years. I love the new kids in my life, two sisters and a brother whom I think God brought into my life so I'd have someone to pay attention to. Even so, I wish I had my own biological kids. I wish I had someone to call me dad.

Lastly, I regret not keeping a journal. I have a horrible memory, apparently. I used to think I had a good memory, but there is so much from my life that I just don't remember. My parents tell stories about when I was a kid and I listen thinking, "Where was I when that happened?" Someday I'd love to write a memoir, but there'd be nothing to put in it. I'd have to make up the stories, guess at how I was feeling, what I was saying.

I do like my life. I think I'm a good person and I don't want to spend my time wishing I had a different life. God has me where I am for a reason, and I'm content in my circumstances, content with my decisions.

What is this journey?

2011-07-01T17:45:00.002-06:00

The Moors of North Africa have a saying: Choose your companions before you choose your road.

When I was in Wendell, I definitely had an incredible group of companions. The staff, administration, parents, church friends - and even students - were companions beyond compare.
With these people, the road was not so important.
With these companions, every road would be enjoyable, successful, and satisfying.
When I was in Wendell, I chose the best possible companions.

Switch thoughts for a moment.

A friend asked me how my book was coming. I told her that although I'd still like to write one, and I've written small parts here and there, I just can't find the focus; I can't seem to find a way to pull it all together. I want to write a book about contentment and simplicity.

She wondered if my difficulty is related to being in Nampa physically, yet still feeling so connected to Wendell. Mentally, emotionally, I might still be there. This division of focus and attention creates complexity rather than simplicity.

This division creates so many questions in me.

How do I focus on my current journey or my future journey when I don't have any idea what that is?
Am I supposed to forget Wendell?
How do I remain connected to the important relationships I've built in Wendell?
Where am I supposed to place my focus and attention?

I have to trust that God knows what the plan is.
I have to trust that God is direction my path, even when I can't see any indication that a path exists.

Some days that trust is much easier said than done.

What does it mean to love God?

2011-06-18T19:42:00.002-06:00

On my way to Boise, I heard a song on the radio that made me think. When Jesus was on the cross, how much did he love me? He loved me completely, perfectly, without reservation or condition. I've heard it said that even if I were the only person, Jesus would still have gone through the crucifixion. He did what he did, just for me. That implies that as he was being whipped, tortured, beaten, and finally nailed to the cross - it was me doing that to him. I did all those things to him
In essence, I whipped him.
I tortured him.
I beat him.
I hammered in the nails.
I mocked him.
I pierced his side.

And through that whole process, he continued to love me. Never once did he stop loving me. He had reason to be mad at me, to hate me even. And yet, he loved me while I did all those things to him.

Now I don't believe that God gave me arthritis to teach me some sort of lesson. I don't think he took my voice. I think we live in a world full of disease, and I caught something.

But, even if God caused me to be sick, how can I possibly be angry with him for having done that? I killed him and he never stopped loving me. How can I do anything less?

Given all the good things God has brought into my life, how can I stop loving him just because my voice isn't audible?

The answer for me: I can't stop loving him. I can't stop trusting him. I can't stop relying on him.

Auditory Memory

2011-06-06T21:30:00.002-06:00

As I lay awake in bed early this morning, the quiet sounds were interrupted by a loud, "Caw, caw, caw," right outside my bedroom window. You might think I'd be bothered, especially at 5:50 am. Quite the opposite is true.

That one bird, with those three vocalizations, took me back to Labor Day family camp at Fort Stevens campground, over on the Oregon coast. Every morning I'd be wakened by the same sound. At the time I thought, "Seriously? You stupid crows! Go back to your nest!!!"

But now, it just reminds me of all the fun I had. My family are not campers. Mom's idea of camping is a 50' RV, and if I could choose, I'd take that over a tent any day. Even so, camping with the church was something I looked forward to every year. Being the pastor's son, I often got special treatment, and wasn't above taking advantage of people who felt sorry for me. I rarely had to bring my own food. Each morning, after I couldn't pretend to sleep through the crows constant noise, I'd make the rounds of different camp sites, getting breakfast at each site.

My favorite was always Grampa Jess's breakfast: potatoes, eggs, bacon, cheese (possibly other ingredients), all mixed together in a breakfast casserole, straight from the cooking pot. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

Mr. Crow, thanks for the reminder.

Trust

2011-06-03T12:45:00.002-06:00

Before my last trip to my doctor in Salt Lake (the ENT who's working with my vocal chords), I had a speech planned. I was going to be firm, strong, direct, telling him why I wasn't happy with the results so far, and exactly what I wanted done. I even practiced my speech and questions during the 6 hour drive down to SLC.

Sitting in the hotel room the night before the appointment, God and I had a conversation. No, it was not an audible voice from Heaven, but it was God talking directly to me. I'm taking some literary liberties here, but this is essentially the conversation.

God, please let me be strong tomorrow. Help me remember all the things I want to say and ask. Let me not get distracted by his fancy medical talk.

Chris, do you trust me?

Of course I do God. You know that.

What do you trust me with?

Well I trust you with everything. After all, I've given you my life. I guess that kind of includes everything.

Do you trust that I brought you to this doctor? Not just any doctor, not just any ENT, but this specific doctor. Do you trust that I brought you to him for a reason?

Yes.

Then maybe you can just relax a little. He's a good doctor. I've given him the wisdom necessary to help you. Even now, I'm guiding him to provide the right treatment and the right medications.

So, I didn't give him my speech; it had become unnecessary, and it seemed to me, disrespectful.

If I trust God, which I do, I need to trust him with everything. Since I know that he's in control, I have accepted that my being sick is somehow part of his plan.
NOTE: This is not an invitation for a theological discussion on whether or not God causes bad things to happen.

I don't understand everything God understands, obviously. I can't understand what little I do know about life. So to understand how my sickness could be part of a good plan is beyond me. Even so, I'm trusting that God is in control. Many of my friends are praying for my healing, and I appreciate every prayer. I don't pray for healing myself. I am content with my situation. It's beyond my understanding, but I can be content, even in the midst of life.

If God wanted to heal me, he could/would do it instantly. Obviously he hasn't, and who am I to question why? I am trusting that all this is leading to something greater.

I am content.

Where do I Belong Now?

2011-06-03T11:01:00.000-06:00

Visiting Wendell, going to back into the schools, is so bittersweet for me. It’s emotional overload. When I was in Wendell I was important, every day. I was needed, necessary. Every day I had hundreds of kids show me love. Kids would come running across the playground just to give me a hug. Teachers sought me out for my opinion and counsel. Administrators trusted my judgment on sensitive issues. Parents came to me seeking help for their children.

In the midst of working in an environment of daily affirmation, in a job that gave me purpose, I was uprooted.

God pulled me out of that.

Now, I’m not needed for anything. I’m not necessary.
There aren’t any kids running to give me hugs.
There aren’t any adults seeking my counsel, trusting my judgment.

I’ve become useless and I don’t understand why.

Of course my family loves me, needs me, finds me necessary. But those things are true regardless of where I live. I know that my family will always support me, no matter the circumstances. It’s the other parts of my life that have me baffled.

Another Security Change

2011-05-26T00:24:00.002-06:00

For a short time, I changed this to a private blog. I was reacting to some mean people, and I think I overreacted. I'm not going to let them ruin a good thing. I know this blog doesn't have thousands of readers (might not even have dozens of readers), but I know some of the people who read it, and I think I've helped some people. I think I've even inspired some people. So, I'm public again.

I have some new insights, which I'll be posting soon, and some health updates. I'll get to those also.

For now, it's good to be back.

Where's the Line?

2011-05-03T01:46:00.003-06:00

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Philippians 1:14,15

When I talk about not being able to sleep at night, is that complaining?
When I mention the arthritis pain I dealt with today, is that complaining?

Or is it sharing my experience, my life? I thought I knew where the line was, but now I'm not sure I do.

New Topic - discuss amongst yourselves.

2011-04-29T21:25:00.002-06:00

Contemplating what I will talk about when/if I get my voice back has taken up much of thought life recently. As it is, I've noticed several changes since my voice loss.
1. I obviously talk a lot less. At first that was simply because I had no voice.
2. Then I spoke little because it was too difficult to make myself heard. It just wasn't worth the effort.
3. Then my silence became one of choice. Before I say anything, I examine it's purpose, it's usefulness. What, if anything, will my words add to this conversation? What would be my purpose for offering my words?

4. I have also become hyper-aware of conversational dynamics. I hear people conversing and ask the same questions I would ask myself: Why are they speaking? What are they adding to the conversation.

5. Often I determine, I don't have anything worthwhile to add. Maybe I could rephrase or reiterate what someone else has already said, but that's not adding anything new. Maybe I could be confirming someone else's opinion, but there is almost always someone else to add to that conversation. My personal opinion would be redundant.

6. One possibility is that I just don't have as much to share. I enjoy hearing other people talk. There are so many people who need to be heard who obviously don't feel heard. Maybe that's part of my job.

7. Another possibility is that this is my chance to learn to be a better listener. While I was supposed to learn that in graduation school, and develop that skill in my job as a school counselor, I haven't yet learned that lesson. I can tell I'm becoming a better listener. Hopefully that translates into being a better counselor.

World's Funnest Game?

2011-04-26T11:06:00.002-06:00

When I was young, my family played this game. I say family, but it was mostly my mom and me. Dad doesn't play anymore; he thinks it's a pointless game, but he has no idea how important this game really is. I don't know if Susan plays it with her family, but she never talks about it so I'm guessing it's died in her house.

Picture this: a new jar of peanut butter (this game works with either smooth and creamy peanut butter, crunchy peanut butter, or even extra crunchy peanut butter). You unscrew the top, peel off the foil cover underneath, and then you see it - that perfectly smooth peanut butter surface, unblemished by knife or finger.

The winner of the game is the one who gets "first dip" in that smooth surface. It might seem simple: whomever opens the jar, wins. It's not that simple.

I remember when I was a young teenager, mom came home from her weekly grocery shopping trip. I helped her unload the groceries, something I did every time because I was the perfect son. While unloading, I noticed a new jar of peanut butter, but I didn't let on that I had seen it. In my mind I was already hatching my covert peanut butter plan.

Once the bags were emptied, and the new jar of peanut butter had been placed in the pantry, I waited for mom to vacate the kitchen area. I found the new jar, quietly unscrewed the top and peeled back the foil cover, but not all the way, being careful to not bend it. In the newly exposed surface, I wrote my name, "Chris." Then, I had to wait, patiently.

Our current jar of peanut butter still had plenty left. It would be a long time before we would need to open the new jar. So I started eating peanut butter with every meal. Peanut butter on toast for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly for lunch and for an after school snack. Peanut butter on celery for dinner, or dessert.

After weeks of patiently waiting, it was finally time for the new jar of peanut butter. It couldn't be me who opened it, but I needed to be there when someone else opened the jar.

Today, I don't remember who opened the jar. I don't remember the reaction. I do know that whomever opened was denied the satisfaction of that first scoop, and they knew I had won the game because my name was right there. Mr. PeanutButterVictory!

Yesterday I went grocery shopping - bought peanut butter. And there was some satisfaction when I opened it this morning as I took the first scoop. There wasn't anyone to taunt, "New jaaaar. Who's going to get it?" There wasn't any race to the jar. It was just me.

But I won the game anyway.

Oh Sleep, Why have you Forsaken Me?

2011-04-26T01:04:00.003-06:00

to close my eyes
drift into dreamland
for longer than a few minutes
doesn't seem much to ask
but night after night
i wake, startled by
the sudden cough
shaken by the irresistible
inevitable convulsive bouts
ten minutes after i lay down

so i get up
use the neti pot
clear the passages
and the coughing stops
but only until i am
once again horizontal

eventually exhaustion will
have to take over
i'll have no choice
but to doze
hopefully

Easter Sunday

2011-04-25T16:16:00.002-06:00

I haven't been to an Easter Sunday Sunrise Service in years. This year I wanted to attend one. Luckily, the Treasure Valley has a sunrise tradition: the Lizard Butte Sunrise Service. This year was the 74th annual service. I would guess there was at least 500 people there. I'm sure they all enjoyed how good the weather was. I heard that this year was better weather than they've had in a very long time. It was chilly, but the sky was clear, the sunrise was beautiful.

Family Weekend Part 2

2011-04-25T16:07:00.006-06:00

Saturday, my nephew Braeden was the Panda Express dancing panda (at least for a short time). We went to cheer him on, and to support his charter school. Panda Express has this great fund raising opportunity; 20% of purchases Saturday went to the school.

Up until this year, Braeden has been a pretty shy kid. His older sister Janae has been the outgoing extroverted one, while Braeden was the quiet one, clinging to mom's leg (of course he hasn't held on to her leg since he was like six). I don't know if it's been an intentional effort, but he's developing a more outgoing personality. He enrolled in a drama class at school.

I think he did a great job as the panda. He certainly got plenty of honks from the cars passing by.

Susan is the "mama" bear.

When I got home, I had a visitor waiting by the front door. She was dressed to impress in elegant black with red accents. I don't like pretentious visitors; I escorted her off the property.

A quick sports update: Steve, my brother-in-law, and I spent some time on the putting green. I haven't been on the golf course in two years. After some practice, we had three 18 hole putting matches on the practice putting green. Not to brag, but I can still putt. I beat Steve in all three matches.

Thanks for the fun Steve!

Family Weekend

2011-04-25T15:55:00.002-06:00

Easter weekend was family time for me. Friday night, Haline was in town (from Spokane), so every body was there. She even made dinner. Although she was making dinner for us all, I think the real purpose was to prove to Jeb, her fiance, that she can cook. Of course I could be wrong. Maybe he'll be doing the cooking when they get married.

I always like being with my family. So it's awfully convenient that I live next door to my sister and her family, and behind my parents. I'm very lucky, not only to have them in my life, but also to have them so close.

(left to right) Braeden, my nephew; Janae, my niece; Deborah, my Brazilian niece; Ernie, my dad; Jan, my mom; Jeb, my future nephew-in-law; Haline, my other Brazilian niece.

Palm Sunday Devotional

2011-04-17T10:41:00.002-06:00

Philippians 1:20
I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ.

Even when I feel useless, worthless, inadequate ...
Even when I think I'm not doing anything to honor Christ ...
Even if I'm convinced otherwise ...

My worth is not in my hands. My purpose is not determined by me, so I can't mess it up. More than once over these last few months, I've wondered, "Did I do the right thing by leaving Wendell?" At the time, it seemed like I had no other choice. It wasn't an impulse decision; I'm not an impulse person. I rarely have buyer's remorse (can't even remember the last time) because I think about something a long time before I buy it. And I think even longer before I do something important, like quit a job I love.

Even so, did I mess up my life? Did I throw a wrench in God's plan by doing something I wasn't supposed to do? According to this scripture, that's not the way it works. God will make sure his plans are fulfilled, and that my life brings honor to him.

Philippians 1:6
I am certain that God, who began the good work within me, will continue his work until it is finally finished.

I've said before that I feel uprooted. I'm standing still, seemingly without direction. Where is God taking me from here? Where should I be going? I don't know. I do the day to day things I know to do: I fill prescriptions, I go to doctor's appointments, I pick up the mail, pay bills, grocery shop, etc. But what am I supposed to be doing?

A wise friend of mine told me, "Chris, maybe this is the time for your cup to be filled, and you don't need to be doing anything." So I wait, patiently, knowing that God will finish this work.

Philippians 2:14-15
Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you.

I hope I'm not complaining - I don't intend that. I think what I'm doing is expressing my frustration with my own limitations. I'm frustrated that I can't just "walk this off." I coached middle school football for a while. When a player would get hurt, I would ask, "Are you hurt or injured?" At first they didn't know the difference. Injured is when you've broken your arm, or sprained an ankle. If you're injured, we need to get you some help. Hurt is when you get tackled by a bigger guy and slammed into the hard ground. If you're hurt, you need to walk it off.

This time will end. There will come a time when I can work again, have my voice back, feel good again, participate in society as a contributing member again. I think I can even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Biopsy Results Are In

2011-04-14T19:56:00.002-06:00

Although I'm surprised, I'm happy that I already have results from the biopsy done Tuesday. The biopsy on my vocal chords shows a (3+ Betahomolytic Strep Group A). They're giving me a prescription to treat the infection. I have an appointment next month to see if the meds and the shot of prednisone in my vocal chords are creating any benefits.

Just another step in the process.

On a completely different note, I went on a photowalk yesterday, with my mom. Since I wasn't allowed to talk (doctors orders) or whisper, she had to carry the conversation. We walked the alleys around our neighborhood.

Is "Biopsy" a Four Letter Word?

2011-04-10T19:38:00.002-06:00

When people hear the word biopsy, many of them automatically think cancer. When I first started this whole voice ordeal, the ENT in Twin Falls mentioned a biopsy, but also said he didn't see anything that looked like cancer. So when the ENT in SLC mentioned a biopsy on my vocal chord, cancer was not my first thought. He talked about several autoimmune diseases that can affect the vocal chords, so my focus was on that.

Tomorrow I head to SLC for the procedure. It should be quick and easy. Although surgery is always risky, I've never had any problems with anesthesia; I seem to recover quickly. What I want is to have some answers. They (the doctors) keep saying they need more tests, there's nothing conclusive, they have some ideas. How about some resolution? How about some definitive diagnosis? When does that happen?

Be Specific

2011-04-08T01:53:00.003-06:00

The radio station I listen to plays short snippets of sermons, kind of like commercials. Last week one of the speakers said that God doesn't answer general prayers. He wants to hear specific prayers. Now I'm not sure exactly what that means - Where's the line between general and specific? But it made me wonder about my prayers. So I've been paying attention to what I pray for. I'm finding that I do pray a lot of general prayers. When friends post prayers on Facebook, often I'll just pray, "God be with soandso this week. Bless their life." Although I don't know where the line is between general and specific, I can tell this isn't specific.

So I'm trying to be more specific in my requests, which includes some specific requests for myself. I'm not going to tell here all that I pray for myself; they're much too personal, and writing about them feels like it would lessen them somehow. But I am changing my prayer of "God help me feel better." That seems awfully general.

I'm making another change too: I'm trying to get back my photographic creativity. I think it left me. The photos I've taken recently seem boring, uninspiring. I want to take photos that create emotion in the viewer, even if I'm the only person who sees them. I don't think I've taken a photo like that in years now.

But I'm going to start taking photo walks around my neighborhood, photographing whatever catches my eye. Even if I don't get any great photos, I think the practice of taking more photos will help my creativity. If I stumble upon a picture that I like, I might even post it here.

Medication Side Effect?

2011-04-02T18:07:00.003-06:00

I can only assume it's because of the meds I'm on: my taste buds have changed, remarkably. Meat no longer tastes good - beef, chicken, turkey. Pepperoni pizza seems to still be good, which could be because the meat is in smaller amounts. But hamburgers, chicken breast, turkey sandwich, they all just taste horrible.

For a while I thought it was just meat. Other foods seem to be fine. This last week, on the way home from my visit to Wendell, I bought a bag of rye chips, the kind that are in Gardetto's, which is one of my favorite junk food snacks. I love the rye chips. Between the flavor and crunch, I figured they'd keep me awake on the drive home. Turns out my taste buds don't like those either. It's not that they tasted bad - there was just no taste. It was like eating crunchy cardboard. They smelled great, but had no taste.

I'm sure there's nothing I can do, other than quit taking all the meds I'm on, which is obviously not an option. My other choice is to find foods that taste okay. Maybe I'm becoming a vegetarian by default.

It also seems to have affected my tolerance for spice. Even mild salsa now makes me sweat like it's made from super hot peppers. I had a piece of Costco pepperoni pizza the other day - sweating like I had run a marathon.

Actually, if hot has that affect, maybe I should eat more hot stuff. I could do that instead of exercising.

Mr. Focus Group

2011-04-01T13:45:00.002-06:00

I think I belong on a focus group, a group that watches commercials before they air to see if they're effective, or tv show pilots, that kind of stuff.

Some commercials just play and are easily ignored. Some shows are just good for background noise, best "watched" while washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, etc. Other commercials and shows instantly access my emotions. Since becoming a counselor, I've become much more in touch with my emotions, and much easier to cry, or laugh. I think since being diagnosed with RA, my emotional regulator has become much less efficient. It's way too easy for my emotions to bubble to the surface, and too often burst out of control.

When I watch a good commercial, I get emotional; tears start forming at the corners of my eyes. I hate doing that, but it's pointless to try to stop it, so I just go with it. Sometimes, when I realize the emotions are coming - even the sad ones - sometimes it makes me laugh. I'm sitting here by myself, so no one else is here to watch me laugh and cry at the same time. I'm the only one to see the humor in the situation, especially one brought on by a stupid commercial for some product I can't even recall.

So I would be a great focus group member. If your commercial is good, you'll know by my reaction. If it sucks, I'll just tell you.

Visiting My Kids

2011-03-31T21:49:00.003-06:00

I went to visit Wendell today. Octavio, the new school counselor, wanted to meet to discuss what needs to be done. I gave him some ideas and I think he'll be good for the schools. I also went because I miss my kids and wanted to spend some time with them.

After having breakfast with my friend Dan, I headed to the middle school, getting there about 7:20. There were already a few students there, and some teachers. I got hugs as soon as I walked in. Maryanne, Gramma, and Sue were all in the office (they're all teachers). It was so good to see them.

By 7:30 I was in my circle, waiting to greet the kids. The smile on my face had been there ever since I drove off the freeway at the Wendell exit. When the first kids started coming in, my smile got even bigger. Some of the kids ran to me. I got hugs from most of them, even from some kids who don't normally hug. I even got hugged by some of the 8th grade boys.

If I thought being with the middle school kids was great, being at the elementary school was even more of an emotional ego boost. As I was walking toward the lunch room, the first graders hadn't been let out for recess yet. The person who normally does duty on the first grade playground wasn't there. So I offered to take the kids out to recess. All I had to do was walk across the cafeteria to where all the kids were sitting and take them out. It didn't work that way.

I didn't even make it into the actual cafeteria. Before I could get there I was literally surrounded by 30 kids. Once the first kid noticed me, and yelled, "Mr. M!" all the other kids started leaving their tables and running to me. It took me 10 minutes to get across the cafeteria and I loved every single second of it. In those few minutes, I probably received 200 hugs.

When I did finally make it to recess, I had still more fun. Kids would come running from across the playground, "Mr. M, Mr. M, Mr. M." Some kids stayed close to me the whole time. I told every kid I could how much I missed them.

After recess I went to Mrs. Brown's class for a visit. It was so much fun. She had me sit down for an interview; the kids got to ask questions. The first kid I called on gave me the best "question" ever: "Mr. M, I love you every day."

It was a bittersweet visit. I loved being back in my schools. I hated knowing that I will never be back, for real.

Getting Old - What Happened to My MadSkillz?

2011-03-28T19:52:00.002-06:00

Now I realize that as I get older, my skill set may increase, but the proficiency with which I do things will decrease. If I were able to play golf (which I still can't because of the RA), I would not be as good now as I was 10 years ago when I was working as a golf professional. If I were still able to play racquetball, I would not be as good because I'm slower. I realize these things and I live with them.

But there's one skill that completely baffles me.

I used to be an excellent sleeper - an Olympic caliber sleeper, a professional sleeper, a world class sleeper. I could sleep any time, any where, for any length of time. If I was waiting for a flight, had 14 minutes before boarding, I could take a 13 minute nap. When I got tired, or sick, I could sleep for 14, 16, 18 hours in a row, non-stop.

Somehow, I've completely lost this ability. Now, my typical sleep time is about 20 minutes, often exactly 20 minutes. Yesterday, after my dad's birthday party, I had reached the end of my energy. So I came home to take a nap. I lay down at 4:37, falling asleep almost instantly. I started coughing - and subsequently woke up - at 4:57. Today, I lay down for another nap, at 2:34. Guess what time I woke up, coughing again? That's right, 2:54, exactly 20 minutes later. This 20 minute thing has happened a lot.

I really want to be able to sleep, to deeply sleep for more than 20 minutes; 20 hours of sleep would be nice. I can't remember the last time I slept through a night and I'd like to change that. I've tried a lot of different sleep aids. Nothing really works.

I'm hoping that if the docs can figure out whats causing all the problems, and get rid of my cough, I'll be able to sleep - someday.

Missing Wendell

2011-03-25T22:28:00.003-06:00

Yes, leaving Wendell was the right thing to do. I made it through the winter without getting sick (from being around the kids). Of course my voice hasn't returned - another reason I couldn't stay. Yes, I like being close to family.

Even so, I miss Wendell so much: the kids, the staff, the schools.

I spent this evening taking some senior portraits for one of my Wendell kids. She brought along her mom (one of the middle school teachers), her sister (who's in 8th grade this year), and her grandmother. Being with them reminded me how much I love my Wendell kids.

On second thought ...

2011-03-24T14:55:00.003-06:00

When I left yesterday, I didn't know what the meeting with SSA was going to be about. Turns out, Angie (my new favorite person) brought me in to tell me that my disability application had been approved. I'll start receiving checks in May. It's a good thing there was a counter between us ... I wanted to hug her when she told me.

Obviously this doesn't solve all my problems, but it does give me some breathing room. I can take the time I need to get healthy, to figure out what my next move will be, career-wise, to be able to support myself (although I'm sure mom and dad will still be helping).

Isn't that interesting timing?

The Great Salt Lake

2011-03-23T11:30:00.005-06:00

During my trip to SLC Sunday/Monday, I had a lot of time to think. And I did a lot of thinking, about a lot of topics and situations. One thought came to me several times: Maybe going on disability is not the way to go. I realize it can be a long process, and when I started the process I knew it was the right thing. I am disabled, in several ways. I had to quit my job because of my physical problems.

I know I could get a job; my options of possible jobs are so limited. Because of my voice, I need a job that doesn't require any talking. Because of my RA, I can't lift heavy objects, can't be on my feet for a long time, and I require (physically require) rest during the day. When I run out of energy, I have to nap. Because of my poor immune system, I need to NOT be around a lot of people (read: germ carriers). How many jobs meet those requirements?

So I'm confused about where to go, what to do.

I have an appointment with the local Social Security office today. I don't know what they're going to be doing today. I guess I'll find out when I get there.

More Tests, then maybe some more

2011-03-21T20:44:00.002-06:00

I had my appointment with Dr. Smith today, in Salt Lake. Although my larynx looks better than it did six weeks ago, there's still no voice. Is that improvement? Kind of.

He has ordered some tests - blood work mostly - and scheduled a biopsy of my vocal chords. Some people hear "biopsy" and think cancer. Dr. Smith didn't mention cancer, and that wasn't my first thought. He said, "We need a sample of the tissue to figure out if there's another disease affecting your larynx." Apparently there are several auto-immune diseases, related to RA, but different, that could be causing these voice problems.

So tomorrow I go for some tests, have the results sent to SLC, and go from there. Mom asked me, "So how do you feel about what the doctor said?" I didn't know how to answer that, still don't. I'll say again what I told her, "It is what it is."

On a completely different note, on my way down to SLC, I had some time to listen to my favorite radio station, one that was always on in my truck: The Effect. Here in Nampa, I can't get the station in my truck, but I can listen online. I had forgotten how much I like that music. It was great to have several hours each way that I could listen.

Why Do I Need to Know This?

2011-03-19T04:03:00.002-06:00

I swear, I'm not turning this blog into a dream journal, but I just have to share one more.

In the dream, I was working in a residential hospital, and assigned the task of diagnosing a new patient while another "doctor" interviewed him. After just a few minutes, I diagnosed him with OCD, based on some repeated motions. He would bend at the waist, perform a series of hand motions a specific number of times, then stand up and reengage with the interview.

Based on the angle at which he bent over, the angle of his arms, and the number of times he did the hand motions, I was also able to diagnose him with sine, cosine and tangent.

Shout out to my high school algebra teacher. I knew that stuff would be useful someday!

Irrational Hope

2011-03-18T09:15:00.002-06:00

I frequently fly during my dreams, nearly every night. Sometimes I fly like Superman, fast, laying flat, fists breaking through the atmosphere, but without a cape. I've never flown with a cape. Sometimes it's less like flying, more like floating. I know that if I step off that building, I won't fall; I can just float down to the street. Or if there's something I need that's up, way high, I float up to it.

So last night in my dream, I was getting ready to fly home (I don't remember where I was), and started strapping on my back packs (for some reason I had two), and my golf bag. This is the surprising part of the dream. I haven't played golf in 2 or 3 years. The arthritis in my hands and wrists just won't tolerate that kind of physical motion. Other than moving to Nampa, I don't remember the last time I picked up my golf bag. So to dream about golf, just carrying the bag --- that's interesting to me.

Busy Weekend

2011-03-17T11:14:00.002-06:00

Friday I go in for second infusion of Rituxan (another $15k), but then I don't have to go in for another 6 months. Then Monday I return to the Voice Disorders Center for my follow up appointment. Hopefully they'll find that there's been some progress and my larynx is more hydrated, and they'll tell me I'm closer to being able to speak again.

Speaking of speaking, I had the best dream last night.
What might the best dream in the world be about?
Maybe it was about unlimited money, fame, power, super powers - not so much.

I had a dream that I was talking, out loud, and people could hear me.
I don't remember who I was talking to, or what I was talking about, I woke up so excited that I could talk. I also don't know if it was my real voice. I don't even remember what my real voice sounds like.

So, Now What?

2011-03-14T14:08:00.003-06:00

Even though I'm not big on labels, I do like that I've been able to label my current feeling: uprooted. Without realizing (although I may have had inklings here and there) I based my identity on my life as a school counselor. My identity was rooted in an occupation, something I have counseled people against.

That's a first step, I suppose, but now what?

How do I reestablish my roots in Jesus?
It can't be just by going to church; I do that.
It can't be just by reading my bible; I do that (although I certainly could spend more time studying the life of Jesus - that's probably another blog post).
It can't be as simple as saying, "My life is rooted in Jesus."

What will my life be like with my roots in Jesus?
How will that be different than now?

So many questions, so few (concrete) answers.

However, I'm living in the midst of Jesus, content that he is in control. So it's okay to live without answers.

A New Journey

2011-03-12T09:50:00.002-07:00

I recently received a message from a good friend who will be teaching a Sunday School lesson on the parables of Matthew 13. If you don't remember them, go read it here.

Reading Matthew 13, I was struck by something:
"But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn’t have deep roots, they died."
"But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long."

I think maybe I have the right word for how I've been feeling: uprooted. I was established in Wendell, firmly planted in a job and career I love. My roots were becoming ever more solidly established, in my church, in the Wendell community, in the schools. Then God uprooted me. I may be planted back in familiar surroundings (living behind mom and dad, next door to Susan, around friends and family), but my roots aren't here. I have no roots and I'm wilting.

But that leads me to realize, my roots shouldn't be in my job or a place, or relationships. My roots should be in God, need to be in God. He has taken so much from me: health, income, voice, possessions. All the while I keep wondering why. I wonder what more is there to take?

I think this move from Wendell to Nampa, from school counselor to unemployed, from influential to voiceless, has taken my support to show me that I've been depending on the wrong things.

So now, maybe, I have a direction for my next journey. My task seems clear: structure my life, my thoughts, my prayers, my career my relationships, so that they are centered around my roots: my relationship with Jesus.

I need to make sure my root system is in Jesus, and only Jesus. Certainly there are strong branches in my life, and healthy plants all around me. But my roots are not in those temporary things. My roots are in the eternal.

A new journey begins.

Interruptions

2011-03-10T20:25:00.002-07:00

The truth is, what we call interruptions are precisely our real life, the life God is sending us day by day. - CSLewis

In the middle (beginning) of a wonderful career as a school counselor, in a place I love (Wendell, ID), with the best people in the world, I got interrupted. Instead of serving my 7th year as school counselor, I resigned. My health problems dictated an interruption in my life - a seemingly long-term interruption.

The last few days, I've been feeling increasingly unmotivated, lack-luster, melancholy - actually, I've been searching for the right word and just can't find it. Those are all guesses, but none of them very accurate.

So why is God sending me this interruption?
How long will this last?
What am I supposed to be doing during this time?

I just don't know.

I can do all things

2011-03-05T10:41:00.002-07:00

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Because of my arthritis, there are so many things I cannot now do, things I used to do, things that I enjoyed doing.
I can't golf.
I can't play racquetball.
I can't run.
I can't carry 3 bundles of shingles up a ladder to the roof.
I can't roof houses.
I can't go on long hikes in the mountains.
I can't ...

So what does this verse mean, specifically to me?
I don't know how to answer that question.

New Meds, New Hope

2011-03-04T19:44:00.003-07:00

The agenda today was sitting in a comfortable recliner in the 4th floor outpatient room of St. Luke's downtown. Nurse Sharon was so nice, but tried 3 times to get the IV needle in my arm. The 4th one, she passed off to nurse Sharon, who found a good vein (or artery - I don't know which they needed to pump stuff in to my arm). It wasn't quite 7 hours long; closer to 6 hours total.

This new medication, Rituxan, is supposed to work differently than other meds I've tried, and hopefully more effectively. I'm not ready to hope that I'll be able to play golf again, but that would really be nice.

One of the questions nurses always ask, as part of the intake procedure, confuses me every time they ask:
"Are you in pain today?"
Well, I have RA. I'm in pain everyday.
"On a scale of 1 to 10, what level would you say your pain is today."

I never know how to answer that. Since I live with pain all the time, zero - meaning no pain - isn't even a possibility. There's a new zero. Yes I have pain, but it's at the level I've gotten used to, so that I hardly notice it. Nurse Sharon said, "I think for a lot of RA patients, the new zero is like the old 3 - not enough pain to treat, but enough to notice. The new 2, the old 5, is enough pain that you need something for it."

That feels like as good an explanation as I've heard.
I told her I was a new 1, old 4. That seemed perfectly vague to me.

Repurposing

2011-03-03T16:11:00.002-07:00

My mom found an old pulpit - somewhere, probably a thrift store - paying $29. She tried to find a church that could use it, worked hard to find a home for it. Nobody wanted it. So she had dad cut off the top part, the slanted part that would hold papers, leaving a roughly counter level base, on wheels. Dad had a piece of formica in the shop, just big enough to cover the top and sides. Ray Becker did the laminating work, which turned out very nice.

Now, for $29, I have an island in the kitchen. Instead of eating at my desk, right next to the computer, I have a place to eat now. An extra benefit: I have more kitchen storage now. Of course I don't have anything I need to store, but still.

Time to Start Again

2011-03-02T20:10:00.002-07:00

Although so much has happened, and I may try to update everything (at least the most interesting parts), I haven't blogged, let alone written in a very long time. I kept having this vision in my head that a blog has to be meaningful, profound, important, worthwhile. Otherwise there's not really any point in posting.

I've reconsidered that opinion. I have several friends who maintain blogs. I like reading their blogs.

Ryan Roberts has a great family blog. The posts are short, he doesn't over-think things; he just posts what's happening. His blog is fun to read.

My friend Eden has a blog too. She doesn't worry about posting important life-changing matters. She posts her life, which is what makes it interesting and fun to read.

So I'm making a March Resolution. I'm going to start blogging again, probably about completely meaningless things.

Update Time

2009-05-19T05:46:00.004-06:00

The last few weeks/months has been an adventure. Let me summarize:
Easter Sunday (April 12,2009): wake up at 3:30 with the most intense pain of my life. A short twelve hours later, I gave birth to a 1.8mm kidney stone. I've named him Bastard, since he only has one parent. Please do not send gifts - I washed Bastard down the sink because I was tired of his attitude.

Mother's day weekend (Friday May 8, just four weeks later): wake up at about 5:00am, with the same feeling having returned. This time I had someone else drive me to the emergency room. (thank God for the Krumm's; they are the best neighbors ever). Sometime Sunday afternoon -after three days of labor- I gave birth to Bastard's 3mm brother. I didn't name him. I just flushed him. Good riddance.

The scans and xrays (those things are expensive) showed I had only two stones, and those are both gone. Hopefully I'm done with that experience.

This last Saturday I woke up to excruciating pain (amazing adjective to use considering I've had two kidney stones) in my hand. Went back to the ER - they love me there - was in surgery by 10 for an infection in my hand that had gotten out of control in a few hours.

My hand hurts from typing, so I'll finish the story later.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-02T17:37:00.002-07:00

I was recently tagged on Facebook. I thought I'd post these random things here also.

1. I once shot 64 in a golf tournament. That’s 8 under par. It was incredibly easy. The hole seemed as big as a barrel, so every putt dropped. Once in a lifetime score, at least for me.
2. I once shot 29 on nine holes, at Luana Hills Country Club in Hawaii. This was my back nine: par, birdie, eagle, birdie, birdie, birdie, par, birdie, par.
3. When I load paper into the printer, I have to make sure that the new paper goes under the old paper. It wouldn’t be fair for the new paper to go on top. The old paper would feel left out and unused.
4. People who refuse to put shopping carts into the parking lot corrals the right way shouldn’t be allowed to shop. How hard is it to take an extra 20 steps and put the cart away? And put it in straight? My OCD tendencies (no, I’m not diagnosed) can’t walk by the corral without straightening the carts.
5. I’ve only owned 3 vehicles my entire life. I got a 1966 Volkswagen Bug when I was 14. I had it until 3 years ago. I bought a 1989 Ford Ranger with 25,000 miles on it. I sold it a year ago with 230,000 miles. Now I own a 1995 Ford Ranger. I wonder how long it will last.
6. I am an award winning Photographer, having won multiple ribbons in the Twin Falls County Fair. However, that streak is probably over. I was so disappointed in last year’s judging, I won’t be entering any photographs this year. I’m pretty sure the judges had never actually seen a photograph before the fair.
7. I am President-Elect of the Idaho School Counselor Association Conference. In July of this year I will officially be President. It was a landslide win when I ran for office. I ran unopposed.
8. As of my last count, I own 471 things, which includes: 2 forks (yes, only 2), 2 dogs, 1 truck, 1 house, a couch, and 11 pairs of socks.
9. I was featured on “The Story with Dick Gordon,” a American Public Media syndicated radio show.
10. I did NOT watch the Superbowl. I don’t own a TV (see #8).
11. I know I should, but I don’t know how to “deep clean” the bathroom. It’s lucky to get a bleach bath once in a while.
12. I love to play online poker on Full Tilt Poker, play chips only. Starting with the free 1000 chips, my bank is currently at 1.1 million.
13. Photography is my passion. I’m not really artistic or creative in any other way.
14. I can recite the alphabet backwards, as quickly as Bruce James. And to take his challenge of a more useless talent, I can sing the alphabet backwards.
15. The kids at school usually call me Mr. M. The Younger kids (1st or 2nd grade) find out that my “real name” is McNaught, they think they’ve discovered some secret.
16. At the end of February, I’ll be speaking at the Washington School Counselor Association conference in Seattle.
17. Since I couldn’t find anything that worked for me, I developed a spreadsheet to track my school counseling activities. I copyrighted the spreadsheet, and have been sharing it with school counselors across the country (hence, #16).
18. I dream every night, and usually remember most of my dreams. I’ve rarely had a week go by without flying in a dream. It always seems so easy in the dream that I wake up wondering why I can’t do it in real life. I dream about one group of friends more than any other: my elementary school friends from Overland Park, Kansas. Although I haven’t had any contact with them in more than 30 years, I dream about them all the time. Especially Ann Rinella.
19. Some part of me really wants to BASE Jump off the Perrine Bridge.
20. I find most issues to be gray, not black and white.
21. I had my first girlfriend when I was 7. She was an older “woman;” I think she was 9. Ellen lived up the street from me in Oakland, New Jersey. We used to hide behind the bushes and decide if we were going to “short kiss or long kiss.” The long ones lasted as much as 5 seconds. Her best friend, who’s name I can’t remember, married us in Ellen’s backyard. Since I was the son of a minister, I told her what words to say. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of these trees and bushes …”
22. I think voting in the Presidential election in Idaho is meaningless. If I vote Republican, it’s like adding one more grain of sand to a beach. If I vote Democrat, it’s like taking one grain of sand away from the beach. Either way, the beach is still there and dominates the landscape.
23. I’m 42 years old and I’ve never had a cavity.
24. Before I graduated from high school in Hillsboro, Oregon, and before they built the new hospital, I had been in every bed in the emergency room.
25. My middle name is Cecil. I’m named after both my grandfathers. Cecil is my mom’s dad’s middle name, and my dad’s dad’s first name.

Reader Shout Out

2009-01-04T15:03:00.002-07:00

I have to give a personal shout-out to two readers of this blog.

Laurie, who recently commented about being inspired to simplify her life. I'm so glad you found something helpful Laurie.

Kamala, my cousin. After putting up my year-end update, I found out Kamala spent a couple of hours reading. I realized, she must have read the whole blog! Now that's determination. Thanks Kam.

My Documents

2009-01-04T14:52:00.002-07:00

First, let me apologize the person I'm stealing this from. I found it somewhere during an internet search. I have no idea where I found, otherwise I would give them credit.

I've been looking for a better way to organize "My Documents" (on my laptop). I had one "My Documents" folder, which is organized, like one filing cabinet. But inside that, way too much disorganization. Nothing made much sense.

Here's the new system, a five folder system.

Folder Zero: Inbox
This is the place for all new files. The key is, everything is cleared out of the inbox at the end of the day. The reason it is folder zero? It's not a real folder, not a place to store anything.

Folder One: Action
This folder is used for anything that needs something done to it: quick edit, rename, send to a friend, etc.

Folder Two: Incubate
I use this one for anything that requires more thought, or something that needs action, but I'm not going to work on it anytime soon. I have some presentations I am working on (although I don't work on them daily), some ideas for papers, projects, etc.

Folder Three: Current Projects
Self-explanatory folder. Right now, there are only 12 things in this folder. When I finish them, they'll move to Action, or folder 4.

Folder Four: Archive
Everything that doesn't fit in one of the other folders, goes here. Obviously, I still want to be able to find things in this folder. The organization of this folder is dynamic, changing often.

Now I actually have more than just five folders in "My Documents." I also have a folder named "Wendell School District." I keep all my work related documents there. I has the same folders and organization under it: Inbox, Action, Incubate, Current Projects, and Archive.

Is this the perfect system? Probably not, but it'll do for now.

What's In Store for 2009?

2009-01-01T09:06:00.002-07:00

As the year changes, I like to look back on the previous year, and forward to the next.
What happened last year that was productive? How can I continue that?

What happened last year that was a waste of time and energy? How can I replace that?

Where do I want to be a year from today?
Who do I want to be a year from today?

My 500 Things
Although I've reached that goal, I can see that the process is not complete. I don't have a number in mind anymore. To set one at this point would be ... ... ... pointless? irrelevant? meaningless? arbitrary? futile? I don't know what word I want there.

It seems that the number has become less important than the process and the meaning. 500 was a good starting point. It forced some "sacrifice" and some sincere examination of importance, use and meaning of the things I own. Now, that process has become habit. I often look at the things sitting on my desk, or in my bookshelf, and think, "Now why do I have that? Oh yes, I remember."

It also forces me to look at purchases. Before I buy something I scrutinize the purpose of the purchase.

In 7th grade English at Wendell Middle School, Heather Annis (the teacher) had the kids write biographies of their grandparents. Some kids either didn't have grandparents, or didn't have access to them. Other adults were brought in as surrogate grandparents. I got to be the surrogate grandfather for two kids. It was very fun.

One of the kids quoted me as saying, "When I die, I hope the clothes I'm wearing are my only possessions."

I think that pretty much sums up the goal from here.

My 500 Things

2008-12-31T18:27:00.003-07:00

Now the update you've all been waiting for (all three of you - I thought there was just two, but I discovered another reader).

My goal was to own fewer than 500 things. It has been a continual process of organizing what I own, examining the purpose of ownership with a critical eye (mind) in light of my goal, and either keeping the object or eliminating it.

I've given away a lot of stuff.

As of my latest count, I own 470 things. WOOOOHOOOO!!!!

For a while, I thought 500 was not possible. I could never get down to that few.
Now that I'm there, or below it, it doesn't seem that difficult. I haven't experienced any difficulties. I haven't felt deprived of anything. I've said it before - the more I release, the more free I feel.

I am unencumbered by material possessions. Things don't have as much meaning. Of course there are things I've kept that have only sentimental value. But with my rules, meaning is meaning, purpose is purpose.

I'm trying to live for today. I don't keep things that I might use someday. Someday never seems to get here.

More later.

Leisure Update 2008

2008-12-31T18:18:00.002-07:00

I worked at Canyon Springs Golf Course this summer. I even played a few rounds of golf.

I also played a round in Tucson, when I was there for the ASCA LDI. I shot 89, but I was 11 over on the last 4 holes. It was 105 degrees, and I hadn't played much golf. By the time we got to 14, I was out of gas. Considering I was playing with rental clubs on a course I'd never seen before, it was a good round of golf.

I'm still a member of the USGA Mid-Amateur Championship Committee.

I love photography. At the elementary school last year, I put together the yearbook.
The kids actually titled it, although they didn't know that's what they were doing. During recess, whenver they would see me with my camera, someone would run up and say, "Take me a picture." It had about 750 pictures of kids, not your typical yearbook.

I did some senior portraits, and a family portrait session. Both taught me something new:

I love taking photos
I love helping friends
I hate charging money for doing it

I'm not about to turn my hobby into a job. I did that with golf and ended up hating it.
Photography is my creative outlet, the artistic side of me finding expression. Charging for doing what I love will just corrupt the process.

I had to give up racquetball. I haven't been to the gym in who-knows-how-long. I know I should go; I just don't have the energy or motivation. Maybe this year.

Spirituality Update 2008

2008-12-31T18:08:00.002-07:00

The journey has been long, and difficult at times. That's not exactly true. It's been difficult more often than not. In fact, I can't think of a single time in the last 2 years when my spiritual walk has been easy. Of course some would say it's not supposed to be easy.

After Thanksgiving, I went through the lowest low of my life. I've never experience true depression, but that was close. Some mornings I was almost frozen with indecision. It was not permanent though. Much of that condition was related to my physical difficulties.

I've been meeting with my pastor, which is helping, a lot.

I've also read two books recently that have made me think, deeply, and consider the nature of my spirituality. The Shack is an amazing book. It has created some strong reactions within the church, especially from fundamentalists, who seem to believe it's heresy. If you read it as non-fiction, or theological discourse, or biblical commentary, prepare to be disappointed.

I read it as a fictional story (which the author makes very clear with the word "FICTION" on the cover). It is a great story of one man's encounter with God and his struggle with life and religion.

On their website another book is recommended: So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore. This book made me think even more than The Shack. It's a story about a present day man who meets John, which just might be the original apostle. It addresses our relationship with Jesus, the nature of that interaction, and how God wants us to approach him.

I have not lost my faith, although it certainly has been damaged. The pastor I'm seeing said at one point he lost all faith and had to start over, rediscovering Christ. I think that would be an interesting and worthwhile journey for me.

I'll let you know what happens.

Work Update 2008

2008-12-31T13:27:00.003-07:00

I still love my job. I think I have the best school counseling job in the whole state.

There have been some difficulties this year. At the first staff meeting of the year, in each of my schools (elementary and middle), I outlined what I do as a professional school counselor.

Despite this time spent in educating the staff, there are still people who think I don't do anything. One person thinks all I do is hug kids - that's it - and it's only a matter of time before I get in trouble for hugging kids. I don't put too much stock in their opinion. I have no respect for what this person does. I realize their job is necessary, I just don't think they do it well.

I have tried to take the criticisms I've received and use them to help me become a better counselor. Luke Kelsey, the middle school principal, sat me down one day to relay some staff concerns that had been brought to his attention. He is a good principal, who is obviously concerned for all the people in his building. When he offers criticism, I don't get defensive at all. Part of that is my personal growth, part of that is the spirit in which he offers it. I know that if push comes to shove, Luke will support me.

I was surprised that the concerns weren't brought to me by the people who are concerned. Do they not have the guts to confront me? Are they so insecure that they can't offer constructive criticism? Or is it that they just like to complain. At the beginning of the year, they didn't listen to me so they have no idea what I do.

Nothing I can do about inconsiderate people.

The problem is really one of perceptions and I wrote a "Counselor Improvement Plan" to address those perceptions. I have definitely changed my routines, and I don't like all the changes. But the behavior changes have addressed the mis-perceptions about my responsibilities and how I spend my time.

I am currently the President-Elect of the Idaho School Counselor Association (ISCA). When I agreed to run for the office (unopposed, I was so surprised when I won!), I didn't think I was qualified, or capable. That personal perception has changed, due to several factors:

Anne Jensen, she is the ISCA President this year. She is an amazing person to work with. So efficient, so capable, so compassionate, and highly respected within the counseling community. Being around her is not only making me more confident, it's making me more capable. She and I are moving ISCA in a positive direction, and the ISCA Board is supportive of the changes we have initiated.
I attended the American School Counselor Association (ASCA) national conference and Leadership Development Institute (LDI) this last summer. Both were amazing experiences. Those experiences showed me that I can run a state association, and that I don't have to do it alone. We have so many incredible counselors in Idaho. As next year's ISCA president, my job will be to tap that talent.
I have presented my name to current ASCA board members, letting them know that I would like to be involved on the national level. At the conference I set a personal goal of being ASCA President in 10 years. Check back in 2018 and I'll let you know what happened.

When I was in graduate school, we were required to track our hours for practicum and internship. I did mine in a spread sheet because I hate doing things by hand that can be automated.

That spreadsheet has continued to evolve. This year at the ISCA Fall Conference, a copy of the spreadsheet was given to every ISCA member. I copyrighted the format even. Where will it go? I don't know. I do know that it seems to be practical, useful and user friendly. At least one school district is now requiring it's counselors to use my program for reporting.

The question is: What will 2009 bring?

I don't know, but won't it be exciting to find out?

Financial Update 2008

2008-12-31T11:43:00.004-07:00

Although it's been a long time (it's getting close to 10 years now), at one point in my adult life I was in financial trouble. More specifically, credit card trouble. I wanted to be the one to pay for dinner, to buy my family and friends nice gifts. I did not want to admit or recognize that I'm not a millionaire. Everything went on credit cards and soon the debt was more than I could handle. How did it get so out of control?

I made a decision to take control of the situation, and my finances. I cleared it up.

When I moved to Twin Falls, I used my house to pay off the last of the debt. Now, four and half years later, I still have no credit card debt. Yes, I use it, but I pay it off. I recently received the last bill for 2008. I owed $19.20, which I paid in full (rather than paying the $10 minimum payment). My only debts are my mortgage and my student loans. I do owe my parents, in my mind at least. They've been kind enough to write-off what I owe. But I've kept track and I hope to pay them back one day.

If I could pay off my student loans ($40,000 worth), I'd be so happy. It should only take me about 107 years to pay it off.

I have a goal this year for saving more money. I've set a goal, I have a plan, and I hope to have that much in savings by this time 2009. It does help that I don't buy as much as I used to. Gas and food are still expensive, and I spend way too much on medical, but I have enough for today.

I recently finished a great book, So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore. I'll write more about that in the Spirituality Update section, but one character in the book says that God does not promise to get me through the year, or the month, or the week. He doesn't promise to make the money last through the end of the month. He does promise to get me through today. There will be enough for today: enough money, enough energy, enough family, enough friends, enough time. I guess I can't really ask for more.

Why Write?

2008-12-31T10:59:00.001-07:00

Junot Díaz said about writers: "What we do might be done in solitude and with great desperation, but it tends to produce exactly the opposite. It tends to produce community and in many people hope and joy."

taken from The Writer's Almanac for December 31, 2008.

Health Update 2008

2008-12-31T10:04:00.002-07:00

My rheumatoid arthritis seems to be stable. Although it hasn't gotten worse, it also hasn't gotten any better. I never thought I would be one of those people who require a pillbox to remember what pills I'm supposed to take on what days. I can't believe how many meds I'm on.

Because RA is an auto-immune disease, and the medication to combat it lowers my immunity, I seem to be susceptible to everything. If there's a germ, virus, bacteria in Idaho, I'll catch it. I've had so many sinus infections (or maybe it's been just one infection that I've had for 3 years now) I can't remember what it's like to breathe normally. I use a neti pot twice a day, sometimes 3, which certainly helps, but it doesn't solve the problem.

About 2 months ago my lower right leg was swollen. I dismissed it for a while as a symptom of the arthritis. It had started with a swollen ankle, so I didn't think much of it. At school one day, I showed it to our resident EMT, Sue Sawers, just to get her opinion. (We actually have two paramedics in the middle school, which is very comforting).
"Sue, what do you think this is?"
"Chris, I think you should call your doctor."
"Okay, I'll see if I can call him this week."
"No, I think you should call today."

So I called the doctor.
"My leg is swollen below the knee, and an EMT in the building said I should call for an appointment."
"Chris, I think we'll get you in as soon as possible. Can you be here at 12:30?"

The doctor sent me right over to the ultrasound, where they found a blood clot.
My doctor told me, "Not very long ago I would have put you in the hospital for 4 or 5 days."
Fortunately, they now have outpatient therapy. I was able to take home the necessary blood-thinning injections until the coumadin took affect. The downside? I had to stay at home for a week with my leg up. Do you know how hard it was to keep my leg up all day? I hated it. After a week at home, I needed to get out of the house, so I went back to work, for a full day. I know, it wasn't very smart.

I ended up taking the rest of that week off because that one day took so much out of me.

At one point I was fighting the blood clot, arthritis, sinus infection, ear infection, and cough all at the same time. I'm not ashamed to admit, I wasn't winning any of those battles, let alone the war.

I had to get some support socks to keep my leg from exploding. Who knew a doctor could give a prescription for those things? I didn't.

The ear infection reached its worse during Thanksgiving. I spent the weekend at my parents' house trying not to die. At least that's what it felt like. It was a horrible weekend, but I'm glad I was around family.

I don't think my sinuses will ever clear up, but it's bearable.
I think ear infections are probably the new norm for me. I'm going to talk with my ENT (not EMT) about tubes in my ears.
I only have a month left on blood thinners, then we'll see if the blood clot is still there.
The RA hasn't taken away every activity, but it has taken some of the most fun. If my health stays the way it is now, I'll survive, not thrive, but survive.

2008 Year-End Summary/Update

2008-12-31T09:57:00.002-07:00

For everyone who reads this blog, I promised an update, and since this is the last day of the year, I probably should get to it. But, I don't want to put both of you through the task of reading a huge amount of text all at once, so I'm not going to put it all in one update. I'm going to spread it throughout the day, focusing on different areas of my life.

There have been so many things happen this year, so many chances for blog postings. The problem was, much of what I went through, and my personal reactions to them, were not public fodder. My thoughts and emotions this year - in relation to so many situations - were not something I want to share with the whole world, I mean with both people who read this blog. In fact, some of it I didn't want to share even with those closest to me. Some things are better kept private.

Here are the areas I think I'll be posting on today:
Health
Finances
Work
Spirituality
Leisure
and of course, the whole reason for this blog in the first place: my 500 things. I'll save this one for last because ... just because.

Family Christmas

2008-12-25T03:27:00.005-07:00

Last night, Christmas Eve 2008, we had our Family Christmas.

We do things specially in my family. We exchange names for Christmas, so each person gets one gift. And there is a $5 limit. There aren't very many things you can buy for $5 that are meaningful, so often people make something for each other. I already know that when I get back to school, people (kids and adults alike) will ask the inevitable question, "So what did you get for Christmas?" And I will respond with, "A calendar."
"Is that all you got? A calendar?"
"In the words of Esther Aimesworth, 'It's much more than that.'"
Let me explain.

Last night began with Steve, my brother-in-law. He had drawn Susan, my sister and his wife. When she opened her present it was a box of Fruit Loops. Now a box of cereal might not seem like much of a gift, but you have to know our family, which Steve obviously does (mostly because he's a great husband, father, son-in-law, brother-in-law and all-around great person). When Susan opened the gift, she got to tell the story of why cereal has meaning.

When Susan and I were young, we weren't allowed to have sugared cereal. Except on Christmas, when Santa would bring us one box each. Susan always got Fruit Loops. I usually got Apple Jacks, but sometimes something else. Cereal never tasted as sweet as it did on Christmas, and not because it was 90% sugar.

Then it was Susan's turn. She had drawn Debora, one of my Brazilian nieces who is living with Susan and her family while attending Northwest Nazarene University (NNU). Earlier in the day I had heard what Susan was giving Debora, which turns out to be part of the gift. Susan had told the story about waiting to get Debora's gift because, "it's a simple household item I can pick up at the thrift store anytime." Of course when she went to the thrift store, there weren't any left. So she went to another thrift store, and found one. It was broken, and Steve wasn't sure he could fix the handle, so they decided to try another store. A third store was found, with ever increasing frustration in my sister, only to be denied once again.

Steve, who was Susan's chauffeur for the day, was ever the calming personality. Throughout the ordeal, he just enjoyed being with his wife, despite the miles, and traffic, and empty stores. When the the third thrift store was a bust, they went back to get the broken one at the previous store. You already know what happened next ... it was gone. Sometime in the previous 30 minutes, someone else had decided it was too valuable to pass up, broken handle and all.

After the second thrift store (the second time), they decided to try Fred Meyer. Surely they would have one. Nope.

Last chance: Walmart. With prayer on her voice, "Please let there be one here. Please let there be one her," Susan walked down the aisle. There it was, the last one, hanging on the rack, and under the $5 limit.

Back to Debora: when she opened the gift laughter was her first expression. Susan had found the perfect gift, a wooden rolling pin. Of course you're thinking, "A rolling pin? What kind of gift is that? Is she a baker?" No, she's not a baker.

We then got to hear the story of why a wooden rolling pin had meaning. Several weeks before, Debora had been sitting on the stairs near the kitchen, when she heard a rapping, a gentle tapping at the kitchen window: three knocks. From the stairs, the picture window in the kitchen isn't visible. And anyone looking in from outside, through the window, would not be able to see the stairs. Since it was late, and because of another situation involving her sister Haline (which you'll get to read later), Debora was scared. Did she imagine it? Who was at the window this late and why were they knocking?

Then it came again, three small knocks on the window. Debora bolted downstairs to the bedroom, where Haline was there to comfort and reassure her.

The next morning, Debora and Haline were at the breakfast table, when Debora saw something move in Steve and Susan's dark room, which was thought to be empty. The motion came again. With all the bravery she could muster, Debora sprang to the kitchen, opened a drawer, and pulled out a wooden rolling pin and big knife. "I'm going to see who's up there." Slowly down the hallway, wielding the two weapons, Debora crept toward the dark, dangerous room. "Who's in there? I have a rolling pin and I'm not afraid to use it."

A nervous voice responded, "Debora? It's me, Steve."

We all had a great laugh.

So Debora was next and she had drawn Janae's name. Janae is my niece.

When Janae opened her gift, it was a purse, a handmade purse, just the right size. Janae said, "I remember seeing this fabric on your bed and asking you what it was?" She had been told, "It's for something." She had seen her gift in the process and didn't even realize it.

Janae was next, so she gave her gift to Steve, her step-dad.
He unwrapped the gift to find a second layer of wrapping paper.
He unwrapped the gift to find a third layer of wrapping paper.
The third layer (or fourth, or eighth; to be honest I lost count) was completely wrapped in clear tape, completely.
Steve said, "I gave you this tape!"
He told the story of how Janae had come to ask for tape and all he had was packing tape. I think she used it all.

He unwrapped the gift to find an apron. Janae had made an apron for Steve so that he could bake his wonderful pies, and barbecue for the family in the summer. It had a pocket on the front, and it included all Janae's effort, and love. She had to learn how to sew to make it.

Since Steve had already gone, that circle of gifts was complete, although the stories weren't. My mom, Gramma Jan, went next, giving her gift to Braeden, my nephew. It has become a Christmas tradition that Janae and Braeden receive new pillowcases every Christmas. Mom - Gramma Jan I mean - had made Braeden new pillow case, which I'm very jealous of. It's dark blue fabric with planets and stars all over it. He also received a softball sized rock. "Is this rainbow obsidian?" It is. I didn't even know my nephew was a rockhound.

Braeden was next, but he deferred until the end. We would all have to move to see his gift. So dad went next. He had drawn Haline's name. She opened her gift to find a handmade book. Rather than retell what she read aloud to us, I'll include it here. Dad - Grampa Ernie - had written stories about Haline and our family.

You're Family Now: The Adventures of a Girl from Brazil Now Living In Idaho (As told by Papa Ernie)

Welcome to Idaho

You were excited when Steve and Susan invited you to live with them. That they lived just a block and a half from Northwest Nazarene University (NNU) where you would soon be a freshman made it all the better. Then you met their son and daughter, Braeden and Janae, and felt even more at home.

You were a long way from your own family in Africa, where they were serving as missionaries, so you were eager to be part of your new Idaho family. Then you met Susan’s parents. That would be me and my wife Jan. “We’ll see you around,” we told you. “We live right next door.”

And so we came to dinner and sometimes walked to church together and watched you settle in. You didn’t miss much. You listened carefully before you spoke and quietly observed before you acted. You wanted to fit in to the American culture and get to know your new family before you began your studies at NNU. You couldn’t have known what strange things you would encounter until that night in September soon after you arrived.

It was late evening, already dark outside, when all the lights inside the house went out. At first you weren’t surprised. No country has a reliable source of electricity 24/7 does it? No big deal! You had lived with power outages on the mission field. “That must be what’s happening in my new home,” you thought.

Then you spotted movement just outside the window. Someone was walking around the yard, shining a light into the windows. One by one they looked in each window. Memories from the mission field raced through your mind. They’ve cut the lines to the house and are going to come in and kill us all! But why? This is a nice family. Why would anyone want to harm them? I am too young to die this way. Why did I come to NNU?

Shaking, you hit the floor to avoid being seen, crawled upstairs to the bedroom of Steve and Susan, and in a loud whisper called out: “Steve! Susan! Someone is outside trying to get in. And He’s going to kill us all.”

Steve opened the bedroom door and came out. Then somewhat to your surprise, he went outside to investigate. He found nothing out of the ordinary; saw no intruder shining lights into the windows. The electricity was off in the whole neighborhood, but that was all. Steve re-assured you the electricity would be restored shortly and everything would be okay. Then he went back to bed.

But you had had way too much excitement. You just knew you would lay awake the rest of the night listening for the intruder; you felt sure he was still out there. Your welcome to your new home-away-from-home was packed with too much adrenalin for sleep that night.

***

Welcome to Papa’s World

I was proud of my daughter and her family. They opened their home and hearts to you so you could attend NNU without worry about paying for room and board. It was a generous and compassionate thing to do; the sort of thing that makes a dad’s heart swell to realize his daughter is following the Christian principles on which she was raised. I knew your coming would be good for my daughter and her family.

I also wanted the experience to be wonderful for you, Haline. I was as excited about your being here as you were and ready to help in any way. You didn’t know yet that in my enthusiasm and spontaneous way, I sometimes jump in too quickly to help and make everything right for everyone. But you were soon to discover the truth about “Papa Ernie”. Your new Idaho Grampa. So I’ll include here “the rest of the story” about that eventful night the lights went out.

I was still up when our house lights flickered and went off. I went to the circuit box to reset the breaker but found no breakers tripped. Then I looked out the window. Our whole neighborhood was dark. Must be a major power outage, I concluded.

Then my “protector” instinct kicked in. “Our new ‘granddaughter’ will probably be scared,” I thought. “Susan and Steve probably don’t have candles. And Haline certainly wouldn’t know where they are anyway. I better get over there.” All the “probable’s” called Papa Ernie to the rescue!

Grabbing a flashlight, I raced next door. I wanted to be there for all those groping around in the dark wishing someone would come and help. I shined light in the front window, then headed toward the back yard, aiming the flashlight in every window as I went to make sure no one was stumbling around in the dark.

After searching in every window and seeing no activity inside, I concluded everyone was already in bed. So I made my way back home and back to bed. I was proud I had tried to be helpful. At least I knew my family, including you, Haline, were safe. I slept soundly with a sense of contentment, knowing I had done what I could and everyone was taken care of.

Some days later, when the family gathered for a Sunday dinner, you began to relate, with great animation, your frightening experience the night all the lights went off in the whole neighborhood. The night an intruder circled the house, ready to kill the whole family. In America even, you thought!

I had to confess. I had to tell you and the rest of the family that I was “the intruder”. I was the one who scared you to death. Somehow, my just wanting to be helpful that dark night did not resonate nearly as well with the family “being rescued” as much as it did with the one rescuing...me. I guess the knight in shining armor sleeps better than the one thinking she’s about to be eaten by a dragon.

Fortunately, as time has passed, that night has become a story you enjoy telling and we love hearing. At least I hope that’s true.
***

Scooters and Keys and Wires … O My!

“So you’ve misplaced your keys; no big deal. I’ve hot wired a few cars in my day. I can get this scooter running in no time. Then when you find your keys, I’ll put the wiring back just like new. Before I start though, let’s make sure you didn’t leave the keys in the luggage compartment. That would be easy to solve too. I picked a few locks when I was a youth minster … just when necessary, you understand.”

So I got some tools and I told you I’d have the scooter ready to go by the time you returned from class. I planned to remove the switch, take it to a lock smith and have a new key made. Your scooter would be as good as new.

I took off one shield, then another, then another, trying to get to where the switch should have been. I finally located the switch but it did not come out like I thought it would. I was a little nervous about the broken plastic pieces lying around (just small ones). I hadn’t thought I was prying hard enough to break anything.

Though my back was hurting from bending over longer than I was used to, I began to put back the shields and was able to camouflage the small broken pieces. However, my ego was bruised. When you arrived back at the house, the scooter was no closer to being fixed than when you left for class. And I had promised. What could we do?

I didn’t want to give up and I did not want to wait for real help. So in spite of your nervousness and uncertainty, you and I and Braeden loaded the scooter into Steve’s pickup and headed to the locksmith shop. I’m sure you wondered as you had many times before: What have I gotten myself into and who is this neighbor who keeps “helping” me all the time?

Well, the locksmith did his thing (without ever having to remove the scooter from the back of the truck) and you headed back home. Then, because I forgot to secure the scooter when it was loaded, the scooter fell over when you turned a corner. Now it not only had some broken pieces, camouflaged as they were, but some fairly visible scratches. What was your new friend going to think? The one who gave you the scooter? You’d already lost the keys and now it was all scratched up.

At that point in time, I’m sure you had more questions than answers: What happened to the keys to your scooter? Will they ever be found? Should I learn how to hotwire a scooter? Or how to pick a lock? You thought you were coming to Idaho to gain all knowledge from NNU. Silly girl. There is so much to learn and Papa Ernie is just the one to help. All you have to do is ask him.

I won't include the "Personal Note." That's for family.

Haline went next. She had drawn my name. As she brought the wrapped present, she said, "It's not quite done yet, but it will be soon." Earlier in the evening Haline had asked for a picture of me with Janae and Braeden. I didn't put too much meaning to the request at the time.

Haline had made a 2009 calendar for me, with pictures of my family at the top of every month. This is not the kind of calender you can get in the store, or the kind of calendar you can make it an office store. You know the kind - upload some photos, print out the whole thing, bound at the top with that plastic spiral binding. No, this is homemade. This was effort and love and time bound with bright green ribbon. However, two months were missing photos! Ahhhh, that's why she needs a picture of me with Janae and Braeden. December with have a picture of the whole family, all 9 of us.

Next, obviously, was me. I had drawn my dad's name, and had written something for him. Here's what I wrote.

From the Government office for the development of

Magnificent Centers for Noise And Ubiquitous Gongs of Habitual Truth

To the Director: CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNIQUE
RE: Genetic Update on Familial Unit McN03

As you know, Familial Unit McN03 – Code Name: Christopher – has experienced certain difficulties, which have necessitated a file review. This is a summary of that review.

Recent circumstances necessitated the replacement and repair of various physical components. In our treatment of McN03 we intermixed genetic components of McN01 – Code Name: Ernest. The material used was being stored in a box labeled “RA.” According to our records, RA is the company acronym for “Recently Acquired” leading us to believe that the included material was safe. We have since discovered that the RA on this box actually stood for “Really Awful,” “Reported Anguish,” or “Rheumatoid Arthritis.”
We are investigating how this box was mislabeled, and the true meaning of RA on this package. No matter the true meaning of the label, the genetic components have afflicted McN03 with various ailments:
• physical pain,
• joint stiffness, and an
• inadequate immune system.
Chemical treatment is keeping the conditions under control, but no improvement has been documented. We do not expect the subject’s condition to reverse or improve.

Various other side effects have been noted:
• McN03’s Healthy Ubiquitous Grip System (HUGS) has become overactive. McN03’s HUGS occur as many as 100 times per day, sometimes more. It seems, however, that this overactive system has not been a detriment, but rather may be therapeutic in nature, alleviating some of the ailments of RA described above. We expect McN03’s use of HUGS to either increase or at lease remain constant, allowing for continuing therapeutic benefit.
• McN03’s Nocturnal Activity Protocol System (NAPS) was in excellent condition before the most recent upgrades, but genetic components of McN01’s NAP system has added increased functionality and efficiency. McN03 is able to utilize the NAPS at any time, and seemingly for any length of time. This increased ability for restoration has become a necessary asset in light of the RA described above. We anticipate increased usage of this system, in combination with the regularly scheduled nocturnal rest periods.
• McN03’s Emotional Management, PAin THreshold and Youth (EMPATHY) system has become more sensitive. McN03 has an increased appreciation and awareness of McN01’s physical condition, including pain levels, fatigue, and NAPS requirements. McN03 also has experienced the accompanying mental fatigue and resulting lowered emotional well-being. The EMPATHY system sensitivity has extended to include McN02.
• McN03’s Future And Immediate Theological Health (FAITH) has been adversely affected by the RA and other complications. However, the system is stable; we do not anticipate system failure. McN03’s FAITH seems to be a direct result of McN01’s FAITH. The strength of the FAITH system can only be attributed to the strength of the bond between McN01 and McN03. Further study on McN03’s system is indicated and treatment has begun to repair the current damage.

Evidence of the use of McN02’s – Code Name: Janice – genetic material has also surfaced. However, we will reserve that evidence for another report.

Although it should be impossible for genetic material from McN04/BUT02 – Code Name: Susan – to infiltrate the body structure of McN03, we are documenting significant similarities between the two units. This too will be addressed in another report.

Conclusion: McN03 is progressing normally through a difficult transition. It is apparent to the file review committee that other familial units in the McN design type have had a significant affect on McN03. We expect this positive influence to continue.

I know it was a good gift because Dad cried when he read it.

So now we were back to Braeden. We all adjourned to the TV-Family room, downstairs.

Braeden had received a musical instrument from Gramma Jan several years ago, with the accompanying encouragment, "I'm expecting big things."

Braeden had taken that advice to heart and made a DVD of himself playing four songs. The title of the DVD: Great Things. It even included a blooper song. Although he explained before that song, we still had to ask, "What were you trying to play there?" At the end of the blooper song we heard Braeden realize how badly it had gone, "Oh crud."

I am part of an amazing family.

Still Alive

2008-12-19T15:27:00.002-07:00

Yes, I'm still alive.
Yes, I know I haven't posted anything in forever.
No, I haven't changed my mind about owning fewer than 500 things.

An update is coming soon.

For now, check out these links.
I have a photo in Wikipedia.
The same photo is in two articles; an article about BASE Jumping, and an article about the Perrine Bridge.

2008-10-05T10:57:00.000-06:00

Pretty much says it all.

Idaho Youth Summit 2008

2008-06-09T18:45:00.005-06:00

The Idaho Youth Summit in Driggs, Idaho (at the Grand Targhee Resort, which a great venue with wonderful facilities and staff), was an unforgettable week.

Let me tell you about the people who made it unforgettable for me: my family group. At the beginning of the week, all the campers, staff and chaperons (I was there as a chaperon) were divided into groups of about 12 people, including one adult leader and one youth leader.

Steven was my group's youth leader. He looked younger than his age and acted older than his age. He is wise and mature beyond his years. It was a pleasure to watch his leadership style develop throughout the week. He was open to criticism and suggestion, firm when necessary. He is going to accomplish some great things in his life.

Breanna, what a wonderful person she is. My first impression of her (recorded during a group activity) was "creative." During one of her self-descriptions she mentioned her creativity. Although she was often quiet, she was never uninvolved. On the contrary, I think she observed everything. Whatever was said, she heard; the body language, she noticed; the mood of the group and individuals, she was aware and sensitive. During our last group activity she gave me one of the best compliments of my entire life. But, what's said in group stays in group, so you'll just have to wonder what it was. She knows.

Ashlynn is a walking smile. Her personality and demeanor are so sweet and cute and kind, without being sugary. Just being around her brightened my spirit every day. Add to that her intellect and she has incredible potential. I don't think she realizes how smart she is. Once in a while she would say something that was so insightful, or notice something that others had missed. I believe that Ashlynn is a born leader waiting for a group to call her to a leadership position.

Austin is a self-admitted big-goof. One of our group activities involved learning a dance. Austin is not a very good dancer. I can say that because I'm a worse dancer than he is. Even so, he committed himself to the process 100%. Austin does not care what others think about his "foolishness" but realizes that his willingness to participate - freely participate - inspires others to do the same. During the dance, there was one head, taller than all the rest, right in the middle of the dance floor, being the perfect "Austin." He inspired me to participate, which is no easy feat.

Nicole. She is unlike any 15 year old girl I've ever met. Confident without being cocky, plain without being invisible, opinionated without being judgmental. She is such a strong person partly because of the things she has been through. She doesn't use her difficulties as excuses, but rather takes pride in the success she has experienced because of them.

Diana (pronounced dee-anna) was completely closed off at the beginning of the week. Her attitude, body language and words all said, "You can't get close to me so don't even try." However, it was a thin shell. Every single day, sometimes hour by hour, she opened up. Her face became warmer and happier. One of our group activities was the trust fall. One person stands on a barrel, like a 55 gallon drum. They fall backward as the rest of the group catches them. Diana wasn't sure she wanted any part of that, not believing we could catch her. I will never forget the look on her face after she trusted us. I almost cried right there, but her joy and excitement overtook the moment.

Levi was the most quiet of the group - at the beginning. Just like most other group members, suspected that he would not participate during the week. His voice was almost too quiet to hear, and even if I could hear him, his answers were typical adolescent answers, "I don't know." He made more progress during the camp than anyone else. He found his self-confidence somewhere. It was hidden, but no so deep that he was unable to bring it to the surface. I like to think that we - as a group - played a part in that search and discovery. He has a great sense of humor and adventure, a truly fun person to be around.

Cade is one of the strongest people I have ever known. Not just physically, although he definitely has physical strength. During our low ropes course, one of the activities involved passing all the members of the group through a web, each one through a different hole. I went through before Cade, and part of my task was to hold his upper body while the family members on the other side held his lower body; the body cannot touch the webbing. As I grabbed him around the chest I could tell that he is 100% muscle. His more impressive strength is found in his character. His natural leadership ability and willingness to lead is so evident. He was always ready to step in and take control. However, he was equally willing to assume the role of follower, allowing the leadership of other family members to be exercised. I have no doubt that Cade is capable of someday leading a city, a state, or the country.

Sarah, what a bundle of energy she is - non-stop energy. Sometimes her energy wore me out. I remember wondering if she ever slows down, and deciding that she probably doesn't. What makes her energy so amazing is the perpetually positive nature of it. Despite all the things she's been through, more than any person deserves in a lifetime, she is a genuinely positive person. I admire her indomitable spirit. I don't think there is any force in this world that will ever convince her she is unable or incapable. When she decides to do something, guarantee it will get done.

Halie is one of the most competitive people you may ever meet. She is one of those "win at any cost" type of people. Except, I know for sure that she would never hurt another person in order to win. As much as she wants to win, and enjoys winning, the kindness in her whole being is the umbrella under which the competition must operate. If she had to chose: win and hurt someone or lose and help someone, she would choose to lose every time, and take pride in her decision. There are some people who smile and make other people smile. Halie is like that. Seeing her smile, even thinking about her smile now, makes me smile.

Last, and certainly not least, Kas (short for Kasidy and don't call her Kassie). She was the adult group leader, and I use that adult term loosely. She is all of 20 years old, still a kid to an old guy like me. Even so, she could not have been a better leader. She lead by her words, by her example, by her emotion. Kas was the first to cry, which to me showed how truly strong she is. Her willingness to share her inner self, to open herself up and model what it means to be vulnerable to your family group - that is true courage and strength. Every time she cried, I cried with her. I'm just emotional that way. Her genuineness and honesty are so needed in this world, especially by adults toward adolescents. She is going to touch so many lives. I know because she has already touched mine.

Overall, I could not have asked for a better group. At the beginning of the week I told them I have rheumatoid arthritis. Because of the RA, I find it very difficult to sit on the floor, where most of our family groups were held. They accommodated me, allowing me to sit on a chair with the circle of them around me. Occasionally things around us would get too loud, and our group circle was too big to hear. Steven would say, "Circle up." Inevitably someone would say, "Around Chris." It was so touching. They included and accommodated me without making me feel like an imposition.

There are things I wanted to say to my group, but couldn't. Because I was tired and sick, my emotional regulator was basically out of order. I knew that if I had tried to say it, I would never make it through. So, I'll say it here and hope that some of them read this.

You eleven kids, and you are all kids to me, inspire me more than you know. In my job as a school counselor, I sometimes tell kids, "You know I care about you, right?" I usually get a look like, "You're just saying that because you're the counselor. You get paid to care about me." Or something more like, "Whatever. You don't even know me. You can't really care about me."

I suspect that kids react this way because they don't have any adults in their life who really care about them. Sure, they have one or more parents, who may or may not say, "I love you." But, it's possible to say that without meaning it. They also react this way because they can't believe that genuinely care.

God has given me a heart for kids, a passion for the well-being of children and adolescents. When I say, "I care about you," I mean it. I never ever say that just to hear the words come out of my mouth.

You kids, in the family group, you have no idea how much I care about you. It's true that I don't really know any of you. We've shared some deeply personal things here. But whatever those are, they only scratch the surface of who you are, who each of you are as a person. Even so, I care about you as if you were my own kid. I would be a lucky father indeed to be able to call any of you my son or daughter. If I could call all of you my sons and daughters, I would be the luckiest father, man, person on the face of this earth - past, present or future.

You inspire me to be a better person. I am now a better person than I was a week ago, simply because of you.

My Good Friends, the Nebekers

2008-06-06T16:43:00.003-06:00

Often I've wondered, "Why would God give me arthritis. Why would you do that God?"

Today, as I'm writing, Brad and Jennifer are pulling weeds in my yard. Schuyler, their son, is mowing my lawn. Isaac, another son, is walking my dogs.

Why are they doing this for me?
Two reasons:
1. They are incredibly nice people, who are always willing to help.
2. I need the help.

I just got back from the Idaho Youth Summit at the Grand Targhee Resort. It was an amazing week. I'll tell you more about it another time.

During the week, I tried to keep up with my family group, a group of teenagers. The oldest one is 20. I overdid it and came home so sick. All my joints are stiff and sore.

Jennifer wouldn't even let me drive home from Wendell by myself. I told her I could, but she said no.

It is so hard for me to receive help, and harder still to ask for it.

I wonder now if this a lesson I'm supposed to learn through arthritis.

Thank you Nebekers.

Other Blogs

2008-03-05T16:48:00.002-07:00

I'm always surprised when people - other than my mom and dad - read my blog. Imagine my surprise when someone comments - other than my mom and dad.

So, I commented back.

Baby Boomer

Psalm of Coercion

2008-03-04T05:33:00.003-07:00

I've talked before about the radio station I listen to, and it seems that every time of their pastors or evangelists comes on recently, their message is so pertinent to my situation right now.

Yesterday, in one of those 2 minute snippet sermons, the guy was talking about Psalm 23.

"He makes me to lie down in green pastures."

Here's how I interpret this (with a little help from the guy on the radio).

When stress gets too much, when my situation becomes overwhelming, God asks me, oh so nicely, to lie down in green pastures. To relax for a little.

If I don't listen, and just keep on piling the stuff into my life - despite my efforts to eliminate excess - he forces me to lie down.

"Chris, I asked you nicely to lie down. You didn't listen so I'm going to make you lie down."

Is that what this arthritis is about? Is this God's way of making me slow down?

I feel like I have a pretty stress-free life, but maybe my perception's off.

It's an interesting thought though.

Closer to 500

2008-02-28T16:36:00.002-07:00

I realize that some of these entries aren't directly related to stuff-elimination. but I figure that every time I write something down, I'm eliminating the need to remember it. When I write it, it's there - on the Internet - forever.

Whether or not that's a good thing ...

This morning I was putting away the dishes I had washed last night. I lost another fork. Really? How is that possible? I think that maybe my dogs are hiding them.

Chessa: Hey Chloe, grab that fork on the counter.
Chloe: Why?
Chessa: Chris will think he's lost another one.
Chloe: Okay

I don't have proof, and I don't know where they're putting them, but I'm convinced it's them. What else could it possibly be? It helps me reduce my number of things, but this is not the method of reduction I had in mind. Missing one fork was fine, but with two gone, and only 2 left, I 'm going to have to replace them. My parents might come down for spring break. I should have at least one fork for each person.

Conference Hogs

2008-02-28T16:26:00.002-07:00

Yesterday and today I attended a conference on children's mental health. It never fails - every conference/workshop/presentation has them: people who think their opinion is more important than everyone else's. They comment on every topic, respond to every question, monopolize the time. They are conference hogs.

There were two of them in this conference and I was lucky enough to sit within 10 feet of both. I call them "green" and "red." They sat at the very front, close to the speaker, which makes perfect sense. Had they sat in the back, they couldn't comment on everything - the speaker wouldn't hear them. They needed to be in a place where they could be noticed by not just the speaker, but also everyone else in the room.

After lunch yesterday I started keeping score. Every time one of them would comment, I kept track. In three hours, green won by a large margin. Keep in mind, this is in a room with about 75 people, all of whom are highly qualified in their field.

Green: 72 comments
Red: 33 comments

Had I kept score in the morning, I'm sure that green would have been over 200, and red would have been closer. I think red got tired in the afternoon.

The second day (today) was only a half day, but I kept score anyway.

Green: 43
Red: 12

Green would have had way more, but she got cut off by the speaker. It was hilarious, at least to me. At one point green tried to comment on something. I could see the irritation in the speaker's face. "We're running short on time so I'm going to have to move on." Green was crestfallen. She had been rebuked by the person whose approval she most craved. I'm not sure if green's going to be okay.

Tribulation and Joy

2008-02-28T16:03:00.002-07:00

So I was listening to The Effect the other day. It's alternative Christian rock, and although a 41 year old school counselor is probably not their target demographic, I really like the music.

At 8:00 they have a show by Pastor Britt Merrick. This particular night he was speaking on Romans 5:3-11

(NIV) We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

He referenced Job, who, when all things were taken away, worshiped God and praised. In the midst of his life falling apart, he worshiped. Are you kidding me? Brit said we should rejoice in our tribulations. Well, not exactly in the trial itself, but in the fact that God will see me through. In the midst of tribulation God is getting ready to do something to me, or through me, or around me.

Am I seriously supposed to rejoice in my arthritis? Surely whatever is going to happen - to me or through me or around me - could be done some other way.

I'm not saying I disagree with the sermon, or the scriptures. I'm just saying ... that is not an easy point of view to adopt.

I have to admit that knowing God is going to use this arthritis is an exciting prospect. But it doesn't seem exciting enough to create joy in me.

Where is the joy in pain?

Mom and dad gave me a book titled Pain, The Gift Nobody Wants.

I never it. I got rid of it along with hundreds of other books. Maybe it's time to find it again and give it a read.

Pain - a gift? How?

Catcthing Up 2

2008-02-17T15:43:00.002-07:00

I get to remove an item from my list. I sold my 1989 Ford Ranger. It was bittersweet - but much more sweet than bitter. I've had that truck for 15 years, 204,000 miles. It was a good truck, but it was time to go.

My "new" 1995 Ford Ranger only has 95,000 miles. Heck, it's practically off the showroom floor compared to my last truck. It has 4WD, power steering (which is nice with arthritis), and most impressively - a tailgate that actually works. My last truck has an ... uncooperative tailgate. For about the last 7 or 8 years I've had to coerce it open with a strategically placed screwdriver, unwilling to get it fixed, or even to see how much it might cost to get it fixed. This new truck's tailgate works just like it's supposed to work.

The 4WD has been nice. Recently we've had a lot of snow in the Magic Valley. There have been a couple of days that I'm pretty sure my old truck would not have made it either to work or home again. I feed safer with 4WD. Although I still drive slower than a lot of people on the highway. I don't know yet what kind of mileage it's going to get. I've been hauling around 350 pounds of sand bags in the back. Hopefully I'll figure out the mileage on my next trip to Nampa.

Last week I was in Mrs. Brown's class. She read a book titled, "The Quiltmaker's Gift."

In the book, the king has a lot of things, but none of them make him happy. So, he gets rid of all his stuff. What a concept.

I need that book, but in order to get it, I'll have to find two things to eliminate from my list.

She, "Why two? You're only adding one."
Me, "If I want to get down to 500, I can't just trade one thing for another."

So, I'm currently looking for 2 things go so I can buy that book.

Any suggestions?

Catcthing Up 1

2008-02-17T15:17:00.003-07:00

(These two posts are catch up posts. I actually wrote these several days ago - more than a week ago for this first one - and am just now getting them online. And when I say wrote, I mean actually wrote, with a pen, not typed.

I know!! Can you believe people still do that?)

At the elementary school the other day a friend said, "I think you have to count all your golf clubs as separate things. You can't count them as one thing."

I was surprised to say the least:

These are my rules; I get to count things however I want to count to count them. (This line should be read with the same tone as, "You're not my mom," or better yet, "You're not the boss of me.")
Someone - other than my family - actually reads my blog. (Turns out she doesn't. She just remembers me talking about how I was counting things. Bummer.)
This statement came completely out of the blue. We weren't discussing golf, or counting, or listing everything we own and trying to slowly whittle down the list. (As if there are other people who talk about those kinds of things.)

The conversation turned to fast food - I have no idea how it got there - and my 2008 Decision to not partake of fast food or pop for one year.
She, "No fast food?"
Me, "Yes, no fast food."
She, "You mean like none?"
Me, "I figure Subway® is okay. The veggie sandwich is a healthy meal." (I always use that little R in a circle whenever a speak about something that is registered. Although sometimes I get confused between ® and ™ because I'm not sure if Subway™ is a registered name or a registered trademark. Of course when I'm only thinking inside my head, I don't add those symbols. That would just be silly.)
She, "But ... it's fast food."
Me, "I write the rules. It's my decision how to apply those rules for the most benefit to my life." (At least that what I intended to say. I think it came sounding like a 7th grade girl, "WHATEVER!!! You're not the boss of me!" I'm ashamed that phrase has shown up twice in one blog entry.)

Although I haven't yet taken advantage of my exception, I do have one other fast-food-allowable option: Taco Bell®. I think their crunchy taco, no cheese, is a healthy option.

On the fitness front - things haven't been going so well. I had started going to Spinning® classes again, with the intent to attend several classes per week, but that's become less frequent.
Monday - I teach a parenting class: can't go Spinning®
Tuesday - I'm supervising NNU Counseling Practicum students: can't go Spinning®
Wednesday - Spinning® (that symbol is getting a little annoying, don't you think?), but only when I feel good enough, which hasn't been often lately. And the last three weeks I've gotten home too late to make it to class.
Thursday - Spinning® class
Saturday - The arthritis shot I take on Monday is wearing off by Saturday, so often I'm not able to get up early enough to spin (I don't know if that word used in this context should have a ® or not.)

I don't know if it's the weather or my that arthritis is getting worse, but I haven't felt strong or limber or energetic in a long time. I've noticed something interesting about my vocabulary usage. Sometimes I call it "my arthritis" and other times "the arthritis." Ownership of this disease apparently varies by my mood, like parents who's ownership claim is dependent upon their behavior.
"YOUR son broke the window today."
"How come he's mine son when he does something wrong?"

My arthritis is getting worse. Ownership implies control.
The arthritis is getting worse. I have no control, hence no ownership.

There's a different meaning altogether. I don't know which I use more often, or which I should use, or which is more accurate.

To be honest, I just don't know a lot of things.

Struggling with Disease

2008-01-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a hard day. I still can't believe that racquetball may no longer be an option for physical activity. Will my wrists get better? Good enough to play again? I hate to hold on to all the equipment if I'll never be able to use it. Seeing it lay around unused is just depressing. On the other hand, what if my wrists and shoulders do improve?

On top of that, this weekend made me think ahead to summer. Am I still going to be able to play golf? I don't play much, but to be forced into no-play-at-all doesn't seem fair. I was once a good player and I still enjoy the game.

I think I'm willing to give up everything for Christ. (I realize this is a fast transition from sports to spirituality.) I'm willing to sacrifice in order to become the Christian man I'm supposed to be. Do I really have to give up everything? Or is the willingness sufficient? Psalms 103 says: He will satisfy my desires with good things so that my youth is renewed.

I want/desire to be physically fit. I want to play racquetball and golf and hike in the mountains and run and jump and play basketball. When will my youth be renewed? Only in Heaven?

While walking this morning (an activity I can still do and love to do with my dogs) I asked God to heal me. I haven't ever asked that before. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe I'm afraid he won't answer. What will that mean? Psalm 103 again: He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. What if I claim that promise and he doesn't heal me? For a while I wondered if I deserved to be healed. I haven't exactly been a model Christian - come to think about it, I don't even know what that means. I guess I haven't been the Christian I want to be. That being true, how can I presume to ask for healing?

I know diseases aren't just physical. God is healing me of other diseases: pride, envy, discontent. But as Paul says in Philippians: I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty [of course I'm hoping that God will show me what it's like to have the plenty of millions of dollars]. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.

Do I have to be content with arthritis? Should I ask only once to be healed? Or am I supposed to ask every day for the rest of my life? If a Christ-like person can ask for healing, and have that prayer answered, surely my dad would have been healed decades ago. God didn't heal him, why would he answer me?

So maybe part of this process simplification, this elimination of excess is advance restitution. "See God? I got rid of all this stuff. Now you can give me better stuff."

What's the Latest Number?

2008-01-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

I wish I could give you the exact number of items, but several things have changed since my last count, and I haven't taken the time to figure up the new total.

I lost a fork (What? How is that possible?)
I've moved my racquetball bag and stuff to the guest room, which I'm calling "Item Purgatory" - not quite gone, but not quite here.
Although my r-ball stuff went with the bag (gloves, balls, goggles), I took out the shoes. They're in really good condition since they've never been worn outside. I also took out the Sport TX (a physical therapy instrument) that Kenny gave me a long time ago, which I'll be returning to him soon.
I have a new truck, which came with another sandbag and some sort of tie-down strap.
Looking through my medicine cabinet I noticed some things I hadn't counted. I have a beard trimmer - which is on the list - in a stand - which is not on the list - which also includes a comb and a brush to clean the trimmer - both of which have never been used - and a tube of lubricating oil. (Is it proper to use that many hyphens in one sentence?)
Knowing that I'm going to sell my old truck, do I take it off the list now? or wait until I actually sell it? The ad goes in the paper tomorrow. I hope it sells by the weekend.

I'm starting to hate arthritis

2008-01-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

I've never enjoyed arthritis, not in the 18 or so months since I was diagnosed. But now I really don't like this. Today I went to the gym to play racquetball - not so much play as just hit the ball around for a while. I couldn't do it. Even the weakest forehand shot made my wrist hurt. When I decided to simplify my life I thought I was only eliminating things and stuff. I guess that part of the simplification process is eliminating activities. I hate to do it, but I think I'm going to sell my racquetball stuff - racquets, balls, goggles, everything. I guess that'll make my list shorter.

I've also decided that I know for sure which item is going next: my scale.

I know I need to lose weight, and I'm working on that. I've used the scale to measure my progress, but I think maybe it's become a hindrance, or at least a distraction. I know what I need to do to lose weight: eat less, exercise more. I'm doing that. If I really want to weigh, I can do that at the gym

One other list issue: I have to add my new truck. So now I have two trucks instead of just one. However it's only temporary. I'm going to sell my 1989 Ford Ranger. If you know anyone who wants a good truck - that needs some TLC - get a hold of me. I'm selling it for $750 and the ad comes out Tuesday.

Three Weeks into 2008

2008-01-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while, and one of my non-resolution/goals was to write more often. There are some good things to report.

1. I haven't had any fast food or pop yet this year.
2. I have lost some weight, although not very much yet.
2a. I have clarified some of my physical limitations from the arthritis. I intended to walk every morning; I can't do that. Twice last week I was so tired that went to bed at 6:00pm, slept through the night. Fatigue just sets in sooner than it used to. I'm sure part of that is also age. So now I walk 3-4 days per week.
2b. I had intended to attend Spinning classes every night they are offered at Gold's Gym. Can't do that either. I attend 3-4 classes per week, which is already helping my cardio.

There are also some negative things happening. Maybe negative is too negative a word. They're definitely uncomfortable. Just this last week I had put $1000 into my 1989 Ford Ranger, which is not worth that much, but it's not like I can just quit driving. Long story short, I just bought a new(er) truck, a 1995 Ford Ranger. I don't have the money to afford a new(er) car. But I have to trust that God knows what's going on and will take care of this also.

I also came home one day to find water covering the floor of my garage. It was just a day or two after it had snowed a lot, and my first thought was that the water was from the snow that had melted off the truck. I realized it wasn't I stepped out the back door of the garage and saw a fountain flowing from the backflow prevention valve. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I never got around to having my sprinkler system blown out. The valve and frozen and exploded.

Actually, it was more an issue of pride than of forgetfulness. The local nursery who has taken care of my irrigation needs since I moved here charged me for something I didn't think they should have. I argued, they relented, I vowed not to use them anymore - to punish them. That kind of attitude, that revenge-plotting attitude, rarely works out. More often than not, it backfires, which it did in this case. Now instead of complaining about a $60 charge that I didn't want to pay, I'll be paying a several hundred dollar repair charge for something I only need because I'm stupid and proud.

As far as my list of things - I haven't gotten rid of anything else. I am continually looking for ways to simplify, and I've targeted a few items. Just don't tell those particular items they might be leaving; I don't want them to feel bad.

One Week Down, 51 To Go

2008-01-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

I’m one week in to 2008 and already the list needs some adjustment. I had been looking through the first aid kit I keep in the bathroom, checking to see if anything needed refilled, and had left the kit on the bathroom counter. Later, while looking through my medicine cabinet I saw some tweezers and a small round mirror, both of which are on my list. I remembered that the tweezers came from the first aid kit. For the longest time I had been wondering what came out of that empty pocket … duh, the tweezers.

So now both the tweezers and the mirror are in the first aid kit and off the list.

Two down, fifty-two to go.

However, I also realized I need to add something. On my list is 6 Christmas cds (Harry Connick, Jr., two Amy Grant cds, Mariah Carey, Nat King Cole and a Celtic Christmas). As I was looking through the drawer, I remembered I had more cds that were not on the list. I had used some gift certificates to buy the latest from Mercy Me, and the latest from Switchfoot, Oh, Gravity. Plus, I have a Stellar Kart cd that I won from The Effect Radio.

Three up, fifty-five to go.

Lastly, I was doing dishes this weekend when I realized that somehow I’ve lost a fork I should have four. I only have three. How is it possible to lose a fork? I have no idea.

I can understand losing a sock, or a book – things that leave the house.

But a fork? I’m not in the habit of taking my forks for country drives, or skydiving.

So now the question is: Do I replace it? If Yes, where do I buy one fork? Maybe a thrift store.

One down, fifty-four to go, which is right where I started.

Oh well, win some add some, lose some subtract some.

And speaking of subtracting, I hope to be subtracting some weight in the next 12 weeks. Saturday, Gold’s Gym kicked off their “12 Week Challenge.” I registered, weighed-in, and let them take a photo of my fat self, with my shirt off no less. It’s the before picture. At the end of twelve weeks there will be an after picture, and hopefully the two pics will look really really different. The person determined to have made the biggest physical change (through a judging process) wins a trip for two to Hawaii. Which brings up another dilemma. When I win (which I will), who will I take? I’m not in a relationship, or dating. Heck, I don’t even flirt anymore. I’m sure that someone will be willing to spend 7 days and 6 nights in Hawaii with me. Of course it should go without saying, I won’t be bringing back any souvenirs.

American Dream

2008-01-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

There's a song by Switchfoot called "American Dream." It might be my new theme song.

When success is equated with excess
The ambition for excess wrecks us
As top of the mind becomes the bottom line
When success is equated with excess

If you're time ain't been nothing for money
I start to feel really bad for you, honey
Maybe honey, put your money where your mouth's been running
If you're time ain't been nothing for money

I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom
This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

When success is equated with excess
When we're fighting for the Beamer, the Lexus
As the heart and soul breath in the company goals
Where success is equated with excess

'Cause baby's always talking 'bout a ring
And talk has always been the cheapest thing
Is it true would you do what I want you to do
If I show up with the right amount of bling?

Like a puppet on a monetary string
Maybe we've been caught singing
Red, white, blue, and green
But that ain't my American dream
That ain't my American dream

Some Goals - NOT Resolutions - For 2008

2008-01-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

I've decided there are some things I want to do in 2008, but they are NOT resolutions. I would call them goals.

According to the dictionary, a resolution is: determining upon an action or course of action.

A goal is: the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

Clearly there is a major difference between the two.*

So here are some of my goals for 2008.

1. I am going to study the book of Philippians for the entire year. I have always liked this book, mostly because it contains some of my favorite verses, also because it was Gramma McNaught's favorite book, and because I like the tone of it. I like the way Paul talks in it.
Here's my plan:
For the month of January, I'm going to read the whole book every day. It takes about 12 minutes to read it. I'm not going to look for anything in particular; I'm just going to read. Starting in February, I'm going to start memorizing the book.
During the rest of the year, I'll study it using different Bible studies.

2. I am going to walk 1000 miles during 2008. That sounds like a lot, but it's only 20 miles per week. On school days I can walk 3 miles before school. During the weekends, 6 miles per day. My dogs love going for walks in the morning. No matter the time, no matter the weather, they're ready.

3. Gold's Gym (I'm a member there) is having their annual 12 week challenge. Weigh-in is this Saturday. I'm going to register this year to see how much closer I can get to achieving a healthy weight during those 12 weeks. I'm not going to be one of those who works out 3 hours a day; I don't have the time or the energy. But I do have time, energy and commitment to work out 30 minutes per day.

4. I'm also going to start attending the Spinning classes again. I love that workout. Sixty minutes on a bike, listening to music, sweating. It's a great way to spend an hour.

5. I'm going to take more photographs this year. I took a lot in 2007, but lately I haven't felt very creative, so I haven't hardly picked up the camera. I'm going to change that.

6. Lastly, I'm going to write more. I've been writing on my flickr photo site, short stories to go with the photos. Some are directly related to the photo, some have nothing to do with the pic at all. I'll continue writing there. I'll write here on this blog (probably not everyday, but hopefully at least once a week). And I'll write stuff that no one will ever see except me.

*(If you can explain the difference, please do because I'm not really sure what it is.)

2008 Begins

2007-12-31T15:26:00.000-07:00

So there you have it - a list of everything I own, at least as of now. As I eliminate more items, or add things, I'll change the list. The total count, January 1, 2008: 754 Items. My goal is to get rid of one item per week. By January 1, 2009 I would like my list to be under 700.

This process of simplification has raised so many more questions than it has answered. Some have come through the process, some have been raised by other people. I am sure of one thing: the questions will continue, mostly without answers.

Why 500?
What will I do when/if I reach 500? What then?
I don't count consumables, but what about things like the rubbing alcohol in my medicine cabinet? It's going to last years, but it's still consumable. Should I count it or not?
If I count consumables that last a long time (like over a year), what about that box of Q-tips? It has 500 in it so it will last longer than a year, but I use them every day. Should they count?
If I don't want people to give me things - like at Christmas, or my birthday - how are they supposed to show their love and appreciation?
Am I robbing people of the joy of giving by not allowing them to give me things?
Is it fair that I get to give things, but other people don't?
Why am I trying to simplify in the first place?
What about intangible things? Should I count my gym membership?
Should I count the software programs on my computer? Some I downloaded so I don't have a cd or anything physical. Do they count?
What about my driver's license? Is that an object I own?
Should I count my two bank accounts as two things?
Why do I have so many questions without obvious answers?

Books I Own

2007-12-31T15:14:00.001-07:00

1 Harper Collins Spanish-English Dictionary

2 A Life God Rewards: Why Everything You Do Today Matters Forever, Wilkinson, Bruce

3 Secrets of the Vine: Breaking Through to Abundance, Wilkinson, Bruce

4 The Rough Guide: Mexican Spanish Dictionary Phrasebook

5 Océano: Tablas Gramaticales Español

6 The Chronicles of Narnia, Lewis, C.S.

7 Terra Nostra, Fuentes, Carlos

8 Paradiso, Lima, Jose Lezama

9 The Sword of Shannara, Brooks, Terry

10 Three Trapped Tigers, Infante, G. Cabrera

11 A Prayer for Children, Hughs, Ina

12 Ben Hogan's Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf, Wind, Herbert Warren

13 The Six-Day Financial Makeover, Pagliarini, Robert

14 The Masters of the Spirit: A Golf Fable, Kinsman Fisher, Anne

15 The Giver, Lowry, Lois

16 501 Spanish Verbs

17 Breaking Out of Beginner's Spanish, Keenan, Joseph J.

18 Larousse: Diccionario Educativo: Inicial

19 Larousse: Gramática Lengua Española: Conjugación

20 Charlie y la fábrica de chocolate, Dahl, Roald

21 The Ultimate Spanish Review and Practice

22 Spanish for Gringos

23 Pido la palabra 1er nivel

24 Alpha Teach Yourself Spanish in 24 Hours

25 The Fairy Tales of Hermann Hesse, Hesse, Hermann

26 Teaching with Love & Logic, Fay, Jim & Funk, David

27 The One Year Bible (NIV)

28 Santa Biblia (KJV)

29 Thompson Chain Reference Bible (NIV)

30 Hiking Oregon, Ikenberry, Donna Lynn

31 Hiking Idaho, Maughan, Ralph & Johnson Maughan, Jackie

32 The Backpacker's Field Manual, Curtis, Rick

33 Wilderness Navigation, Burns, Bob & Mike

34 Easy Spanish Phrase Book

35 1001 Most Useful Spanish Words

36 Photographing Oregon, Peterson, Bryan F.

37 Siddhartha, Hesse, Hermann

38 The Ultimate Gift, Stovall, Jim

39 Eight Habits of the Heart, Taulbert, Clifton

40 In the Name of Jesus, Nouwen, Henri J.M.

41 The Journey to the East, Hesse, Hermann

42 Pata de Zorra, Wast, Hugo

43 The Screwtape Letters, Lewis, C.S.

44 Literacy Con Cariño, Bahruth, Roberto

45 Practice Makes Perfect: Spanish Pronouns and Prepositions, Richmond, Dorothy

46 Classic Shots: The Greatest Images from the USGA

47 Star Wars Episode I Coloring Book

48 Winnie the Pooh Coloring Book

49 My Lens, My Idaho, McNaught, Chris

50 Dream Golf: The Making of Bandon Dunes, Goodwin, Stephen

Other Places: 31 Items

2007-12-31T15:13:00.004-07:00

22 hangars

2 Dogs: Chessa and Chloe

6 garbage cans (inside and out)

1 house (I have to live somewhere)

Office: 141 Items

2007-12-31T15:13:00.003-07:00

1 3 hole punch

50 books (see list to know what books I own)

1 box checkbooks

1 box Crayola crayons

1 box envelopes

1 box office staples

1 box paperclips

1 box spare change

2 calculators

1 Camera: battery charger

1 Camera: camera case

1 Camera: card reader

1 Camera: Fujifilm Finepix S5200

2 Camera: sets rechargeable batteries

1 cell phone, w/ charger

6 Christmas cds

1 Computer: cable modem

1 Computer: cd cleaner

1 Computer: computer back pack

1 Computer: Dell Inspiron 600M laptop

1 Computer: external hard drive

1 Computer: game, Monopoly

1 Computer: game, Risk

1 Computer: HP Laserjet 1012 printer

1 Computer: set computer disks (windows, office, etc)

1 Computer: set head phones

1 Computer: speakers

1 Computer: surge protector

1 Computer: USB cable

1 Computer: USB flash drive

1 Computer: wireless mouse

1 Dogs: leash

1 DVD: Finding Nemo

1 DVD: Lord of the Rings Box Set

1 DVD: Yesterday

1 exacto knife

1 file box

1 fingernail clippers

1 Furniture: 2 drawer filing cabinet

1 Furniture: desk (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: lamp, wood (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: office chair

1 Furniture: walnut bookcase (mom & dad's)

1 hole punch

1 IGA pocket knife

3 large pads paper

1 leatherman tool

1 matte cutter

1 packing tape dispenser

1 pad stationery

3 pair scissors

1 Pass the Pigs game

7 pens/pencils

2 plant hangers

7 plants

1 Rage game

1 VHS: Rikki Tikki Tavi

1 set of house/car keys

1 small flashlight

1 small pad paper

1 spiral bound index cards (gift from mom)

1 stapler (the office kind, not the gun kind)

1 stopwatch

1 tape dispenser

1 wallet w/ credit cards, driver's license, etc.

2 watches

1 wire basket

Living Room: 17 Items

2007-12-31T15:13:00.001-07:00

1 atomic clock

1 ceramic pot (gift from the Nebeker's)

1 Furniture: blue love seat (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: director's chair

2 Furniture: lamp, brass

1 Furniture: lamp, golf clubs (gift from mom & dad)

1 Furniture: rustic coffee table (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: rustic end table (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: seminary drop leaf end table (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: trunk full of memories (m&d's trunk, my memories)

1 Furniture: wicker ottoman (mom & dad's)

1 Furniture: wicker swivel rocker (mom & dad's)

1 Kirby vacuum

1 Mexican blanket (covering cushions on swivel rocker)

1 Mexican blanket (gift from mom)

1 pillow: golf throw pillow

Laundry Room: 28 Items

2007-12-31T15:12:00.003-07:00

1 box electrical connectors

1 box fuses

1 box picture hanging wire

5 boxes light bulbs (I keep waiting for light bulbs to burn out, but I don't have the lights on that often)

1 Camera: monopod

1 Camera: tripod

1 candle lantern

1 drying rack

1 electrical adapter (2 prong to 3 prong)

1 extension cord, 8'

1 extra keys

2 fire extinguishers

1 flint

1 Furniture: washer/dryer set

1 mop

1 mop bucket

3 padlocks

1 roll electrical tape

1 small leatherman tool

1 staple gun

1 staple gun staples

Kitchen: 97 Items

2007-12-31T15:12:00.001-07:00

1 aluminum pot (for cooking pasta)

1 bag of corks (saving to make a cork board)

4 butter knives

1 can opener

1 cheese slicer

2 cook books

1 crock pot (small, perfect for just one person)

1 cutting board

3 dish rags

4 forks

1 Furniture: refrigerator

1 Neti pot

4 glass bowls

1 glass measuring jar

4 glass salad plates

1 grater

1 hamburger flipper

1 pasta spoon

7 kitchen towels

6 knives

4 large pasta bowls

1 metal tongs

1 microwave

3 mixing bowls

4 mugs

1 non-stick frying pan

1 plastic cup (I can only use one at a time)

4 pot holders

1 PUR pitcher

1 Pyrex casserole bowl

1 revere ware pot

2 Rubbermaid containers for sugar

1 salt & pepper shaker set

1 serving spoon

1 set measuring cups

1 set measuring spoons

1 silverware tray

2 spatulas

1 Special plate with the boat on it (from mom and dad)

7 spoons

1 stainless steel table (mom & dad's)

2 stools for stainless steel table (mom & dad's)

1 strainer

1 sugar bowl

1 table cloth

2 tea towels

1 toaster

1 veggie peeler

1 water bottle

1 whisk

Hallway/Closet: 98 Items

2007-12-31T15:11:00.004-07:00

1 Clothes: winter coat

1 Clothes: USGA rain suit

1 Clothes: IGA rain suit

1 Clothes: Bandon Dunes jacket (a gift from Mary Bea)

1 Clothes: IGA fleece pullover

75 frames (ready to frame my photos and give away)

1 Golf: Momentus training club

11 Golf: putters

2 Golf: Wilson Staff golf bags (with my name on them, left over from my days as a professional)

1 sleeping bag

1 t-square

1 wood shelf (made by Swede)

1 night light

Guest Bedroom: 13 Items

2007-12-31T15:11:00.003-07:00

2 Furniture: chair, wood & leather

6 hangars w/ covers crocheted by Gramma

1 night light

1 painting from Gramma & Grandpa Latting's house

1 picture of dad on a horse

1 picture of Shoshone Falls rainbow, gift from Haline

1 stuffed bear (Two Cee, gift from mom)

Now to be fair, the bedroom does include more than 13 items. But, the bed, night stands, dressers, etc., really belong to my mom; I'm just storing them. I found this out when I asked my mom, "If I move to a smaller house, can I just get rid of the bedroom set?" "No."