Last week I went to a new doctor; I think this is #15ish. My rheumatologist referred me to a new ENT who is an expert in difficult to diagnose cases - which is exactly what I've been. Several of my doctors have told me I'm a "diagnostic dilemma." That might be great if I want to end up being the subject a journal article for the AMA, but that's not a goal of mine. I would like to author a journal article about something, someday, but not be the subject.
One might think that a new doctor, with new expertise, might create some new hope in me. Maybe this doctor will see something or discover something that's been missed before. In actuality, I responded in a completely opposite way. I went to the doctor with a sense of dread, of fear. I'm not afraid that he won't be able to help. I'm afraid that he will. I'm afraid that he'll discover the cause and heal me.
If he's able to cure whatever is happening, or eliminate all the symptoms ... well, then what?
My disability will be up in about a year. What if I'm healthy enough that I don't qualify for an extension? What then?
I've been working to improve my health and physical fitness, with the goal of not needing disability. But without that, what am I supposed to do? I like this life I have, which makes me feel a little guilty for being happy with life.
I know God has a plan. He's already mapped out what will come next and he's in control of all the steps. I'm content with my life and his guidance. But ... I wish I had a clue, a hint about what's next for me. I wish I could plan some things.
For now I'm examining why I fear. I want to discover what is happening that would make me even think about wanting to stay here. I want to know where that's coming from.