Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I'm Working on It

Back on February 24th, I wrote a post about photography trends and how those trends apply to my life.
I posted the first one, "Monochrome" and I'm working on the rest. I'm the kind of writer who needs to think things through first. I thought it would be easy to work through them all, but it's requiring much more thought-work than I anticipated. So, I'm working on them, and I'll get through them.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

What is Fear?

Last week I went to a new doctor; I think this is #15ish. My rheumatologist referred me to a new ENT who is an expert in difficult to diagnose cases - which is exactly what I've been. Several of my doctors have told me I'm a "diagnostic dilemma." That might be great if I want to end up being the subject a journal article for the AMA, but that's not a goal of mine. I would like to author a journal article about something, someday, but not be the subject.

One might think that a new doctor, with new expertise, might create some new hope in me. Maybe this doctor will see something or discover something that's been missed before. In actuality, I responded in a completely opposite way. I went to the doctor with a sense of dread, of fear. I'm not afraid that he won't be able to help. I'm afraid that he will. I'm afraid that he'll discover the cause and heal me.

If he's able to cure whatever is happening, or eliminate all the symptoms ... well, then what?
My disability will be up in about a year. What if I'm healthy enough that I don't qualify for an extension? What then?

I've been working to improve my health and physical fitness, with the goal of not needing disability. But without that, what am I supposed to do? I like this life I have, which makes me feel a little guilty for being happy with life.

I know God has a plan. He's already mapped out what will come next and he's in control of all the steps. I'm content with my life and his guidance. But ... I wish I had a clue, a hint about what's next for me. I wish I could plan some things.

For now I'm examining why I fear. I want to discover what is happening that would make me even think about wanting to stay here. I want to know where that's coming from.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

I can't believe there's more!

Even though I've gotten rid of so much stuff over the last few years, or maybe because I've done so much, I still occasionally feel the need to purge, to get rid of more stuff. When I start I always have the feeling that there's nothing left to eliminate. I just know I won't find anything. And yet, I can't believe there's more.

This week the decluttering need has been hitting hard. Yesterday I started reviewing my list of possessions, recounting the inventory. As I'm going through the rooms, I keep finding things that were on my list, but that don't need to be on my list, so are coming off my list. Some of the stuff I'm getting rid of isn't necessarily a countable item, but more like packaging. For example, I have some photo CDs from a long time ago. Each CD was in a card stock envelope. Why do I need the envelopes? I don't. So I moved all the CDs to one container and threw away the envelopes. More clutter eliminated!

There are other ways I found to eliminate small bits here and there, but every little bit helps. One of the decisions I'm making is whether or not to include professional possessions on my list. Up to now I've left out those items. They were part of my school office. Now they're at home, so do I count them? I haven't decided yet.  When I get my list updated, I'll let you know what the new number is.