Wednesday, February 20, 2013

And Then? ...

This topic, I'm sure, is a repost/rehash of things I've written about earlier. But it's on my mind today so I need to explore what I'm feeling and thinking.

My life feels like I'm in some sort of limbo, and yet I'm busy and involved. I thought I had a new direction: pursuing a doctorate in counselor education. All the doors seemed to open. And yet that didn't work out. Physically it wouldn't have been possible.

I thought I had made a new commitment to exercise, but my attendance has not been consistent. I know I should be going every day, but I wake up in the mornings so exhausted, apparently from doing nothing.

I'm seeking a life of contentment, but that doesn't mean I've become complacent. I still need goals and a clear direction for my life. But I don't know what those goals should be, and I don't know which direction to head. So I exist, letting life come to me and responding. I'm not sure that's the best way to live.

I'm teaching some classes for NNU's graduate counseling program, and loving it. I appreciate the interaction with the next generation of school counselors. They keep me in touch with the profession. They provide excitement and new information and fresh perspectives. Plus, having to be prepared for classes is expanding my knowledge. It's challenging and I enjoy it.

I'm involved with the Boise Camera Club, as the newsletter editor and a member. The relationships I'm building with other photographers, and all that I'm learning is definitely improving my photography. I think I'm beginning to find my creative voice, to be able to identify the images and subjects that resonate with me and create emotional reactions. My technical skills are improving, which help my images more closely resemble my vision.

And yet, still directionless.
Am I supposed to be a life-long adjunct professor? I don't know.
Will photography lead to a career? I don't know.
My book is getting closer to being done. Is there another book in my future?
Will I become an author? I don't know.

So I guess at this point in my life I have to be content not knowing. There are so many things I don't know, and I'm not talking about things I shouldn't know or don't need to know. I don't know how a nuclear submarine works or why One Direction makes little girls cry and squeal - but I don't need to know those things.

I don't know important things like who I am or who I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. There are times I'm not even sure what I want to be doing.

I wonder what will happen in the near future and distant future and all I can do is just let life be what it is.
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