Sunday, July 17, 2011

Regrets?

I've always been bothered by the question, "Do you have any regrets?" It's a difficult question to ask, more difficult to answer. Every choice I've ever made has influenced who I am today. If I had it to do over, if I could re-choose some things, I might decide not to eat that whole pizza (I got sick), or I might have chosen to be nicer to my sister that one time. But overall, I like who I am and I like my life. I'm here today because of the decisions I've made.

But looking back, I do have a few regrets.

I regret not learning Spanish when I was young. in junior high I took Spanish from Ms. Questad. Who knows why I enrolled - I didn't last very long. I remember learning the word "motocicleta." Other than that, I don't remember learning much. It's not Ms. Questad's fault though. I was a horrible student, mean to her, disruptive, disrespectful and unwilling to try. Looking back now, I wish I could go back to that junior high kid and let him know how important Spanish will be in his future. I would tell him that he'll end up working in a small town in Idaho, meeting some great Latino families. I'd tell him that knowing Spanish will give him a way to connect with some amazing kids. I'm trying to learn Spanish now, but esta muy dificil para mi.

I regret not being part of a young married couple. I recently went to my cousin's wedding, my young cousin's wedding. He and his new bride are still kids. They're going to grow up together, become adults together. They're going to struggle, wonder how they're going to make it, decide when to have kids, go on fun vacations together. I'll never get to experience that and I wish I could have.

I regret not having kids, my own kids. I love my Wendell kids - love them like they're my own. I love my niece and nephew, who lived with me for several years. I love the new kids in my life, two sisters and a brother whom I think God brought into my life so I'd have someone to pay attention to. Even so, I wish I had my own biological kids. I wish I had someone to call me dad.

Lastly, I regret not keeping a journal. I have a horrible memory, apparently. I used to think I had a good memory, but there is so much from my life that I just don't remember. My parents tell stories about when I was a kid and I listen thinking, "Where was I when that happened?" Someday I'd love to write a memoir, but there'd be nothing to put in it. I'd have to make up the stories, guess at how I was feeling, what I was saying.

I do like my life. I think I'm a good person and I don't want to spend my time wishing I had a different life. God has me where I am for a reason, and I'm content in my circumstances, content with my decisions.
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