I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ.
Even when I feel useless, worthless, inadequate ...
Even when I think I'm not doing anything to honor Christ ...
Even if I'm convinced otherwise ...
My worth is not in my hands. My purpose is not determined by me, so I can't mess it up. More than once over these last few months, I've wondered, "Did I do the right thing by leaving Wendell?" At the time, it seemed like I had no other choice. It wasn't an impulse decision; I'm not an impulse person. I rarely have buyer's remorse (can't even remember the last time) because I think about something a long time before I buy it. And I think even longer before I do something important, like quit a job I love.
Even so, did I mess up my life? Did I throw a wrench in God's plan by doing something I wasn't supposed to do? According to this scripture, that's not the way it works. God will make sure his plans are fulfilled, and that my life brings honor to him.
I am certain that God, who began the good work within me, will continue his work until it is finally finished.
I've said before that I feel uprooted. I'm standing still, seemingly without direction. Where is God taking me from here? Where should I be going? I don't know. I do the day to day things I know to do: I fill prescriptions, I go to doctor's appointments, I pick up the mail, pay bills, grocery shop, etc. But what am I supposed to be doing?
A wise friend of mine told me, "Chris, maybe this is the time for your cup to be filled, and you don't need to be doing anything." So I wait, patiently, knowing that God will finish this work.
Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you.
I hope I'm not complaining - I don't intend that. I think what I'm doing is expressing my frustration with my own limitations. I'm frustrated that I can't just "walk this off." I coached middle school football for a while. When a player would get hurt, I would ask, "Are you hurt or injured?" At first they didn't know the difference. Injured is when you've broken your arm, or sprained an ankle. If you're injured, we need to get you some help. Hurt is when you get tackled by a bigger guy and slammed into the hard ground. If you're hurt, you need to walk it off.
This time will end. There will come a time when I can work again, have my voice back, feel good again, participate in society as a contributing member again. I think I can even see the light at the end of the tunnel.